I think God reads my blog.

I really do. Since yesterday's post, it feels like things have taken a positive turn. I think part of it is verbalizing all my feelings and putting them on the table - translating emotions into words really helps me understand them, personally. But aside from that, I mentioned in yesterday's that praying hasn't offered any peace of mind. Today, it was like a breath of fresh air. Feels good to be on the way back... I hope it stays.

You know it's bad when the dungeon is your home...

Alright, so after writing this post I realize how whiny and "woe is me" it is, but realize that I typed it all out to straighten things out in my own mind. That said, if you're not in the mood to read my whining, don't.

I have no idea what’s going on in my mind these days. Alright, I have some idea, but denial is a lot more comforting than admitting it right now. Recently I’ve found myself insecure about how I come across to other people, unsure of myself during exams despite relentless studying, stressed and upset when I think about the future, and generally speaking a lot of negativity. I feel distracted, though I have nothing going on outside of school. I’ve been trying to pray to center my mind, but I can’t get focused on that either. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that as soon as I step off of this dungeonesque campus, I’m alone. I live in a neighborhood where being very social isn’t always very safe, and come home to a roommate who I neither like nor relate to. So what’s left? Maybe I’ll walk around the mall for a bit on my own. A couple of days a week I’ll go to the aerobics room at the gym and dance by myself. Or sit in my room and watch a movie, or some TV programs I recorded. Or talk to some friends online, maybe even the phone. Eventually grab a meal – either put something together from what’s at home or get take out from somewhere. I spend most of my day in an environment where talking too much is rude or there’s no time to talk, and then go to another where there’s no one to talk to. Let’s be honest, that’s kind of depressing.

What about my friends here? It’s like I’m everyone’s second choice – if not third or fourth – for company. People don’t seem to mind having me around, but my company is not quite necessary either. I’m expendable. This elicits two reactions: first, I appreciate the time I do have with the people whose company I enjoy. Second, I don’t want to go out of my way for people who spend time with me out of convenience. The latter of these two is egotistical and potentially destructive, I know, but otherwise I’d feel way too pathetic.

At the same time, I don’t know if I’m ready to really be at the top of someone’s list, in the sense of dating someone or otherwise becoming romantically involved. It’s really sad: I haven’t had an overall positive experience from anyone I’ve gone out with in college, or since then. No, this isn’t a huge number, but it’s enough to make a person think twice. It’s been the same theme throughout: I sought companionship, he sought sex (or other physical intimacy that I wasn’t ready for), he didn’t get what he wanted, therefore I didn’t get what I wanted. At the end, no one was happy and I felt betrayed. It really sucks, and I don’t want to put myself through that again. I just don’t.

So now I’m at a point where there is a line drawn that marks how close I can get to someone. Few people have crossed this line and stuck around, and I love them for it. I really want to erase this line, but I just don’t see how I can do that. I’ve fallen in love with consistency: once someone comes into my life it’s really difficult for me to let go, or let him or her come in and out at will. I never thought consistency was too much to ask, however, if all people were consistent in everything they do, we’d just be robots. I feel like a robot, and I am consistently alone. This isn’t what I wanted. Till now I’ve been thinking that good things come to those who wait, but honestly I’m sick of waiting and I’m growing impatient. I gotta get outta this; I'm long overdue for the good feelings in life.