I'm not allowed to get tired

I went to a Divali festival in the City a couple of weeks ago to volunteer at their health fair booth. Nothing too crazy, just taking blood pressures and blood sugar measurements. I met an elderly Indian woman (had to be in at least her 70's) who was wearing a white coat that said OB/Gyn on it. Like most elderly women, she was very sweet and we talked for a little bit, and later on she checked in with me, "How are you doing? Are you tired?"
"No, not really. A little hungry, maybe, but not tired," I answered.
"Good. You can't get tired. We're not allowed to get tired," she said.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my role here. My role in my family, with my friends, in med school, in New York, in the Sikh community, the broader community, etc. I always thought this kind of thinking came from idle, frustrated minds, but here it is at one of the busiest times in my life. There are definitive changes in my personality and lifestyle that have kicked in since I came to New York, and while they seem to be good changes, their sudden onset makes me wonder if I am still being sincere to who I am. And if I am not, what part of me am I suppressing and why? For the most part, I'm more polite, generally nicer, I cook a hell of a lot more (a couple of guys started referring to me as Betty Crocker), more patient with people, and almost disgustingly domesticated. When did all that happen? I guess some part of me wanted to be redefined. I don't know, I'm really confused about who I am and who I'm becoming.

But an itch in my soul says I'm definitely here for a purpose. A few events have made me realize just how blessed I am to have everything: a complete and happy family, a healthy body, first class opportunities for learning. At some point in my life, all of those have been at risk, and Waheguru kept it together for me. That doesn't happen for everyone. But it did for me. I have to make something of that, right? I can't just go through the motions and become some nobody who lives a nondistinct life every day. I have to stand for something and make a difference in people's lives. But stand up for what, and make differences for whom? What's going to make me tick? Will my cause find me or do I have to find it? I probably have to go find it.

So these are the hats I wear: mid 20-something, Punjabi, Sikh, woman, sister, daughter, friend, medical student. What do those add up to? I don't know. I know that the Punjabi Sikh women I've seen are, and are expected to be, tireless. I've seen this in my mother, my aunts, my grandmothers, my friends. These women's lives are lived for others. Always taking care of their families and friends, always making sacrifices, and never in a position to expect the same from anybody. Is that what I'm destined for? Maybe. I can see that happening, and I'm oddly okay with it. Doctors have to make a lot of sacrifices too. I mean, once I started here, there went my 20's. And it won't stop at that. I feel like I'll have to constantly choose between my personal interests and my career, because they won't always match up. Or between my family and my career. And somehow, I'm fine with that too. There are plenty of doctors who seem to find a great balance, so why not me?

What role does Sikhi play in all of this? My Sikhi. I'm at a point where religion has the smallest role in my life than ever, but my faith is at its strongest. I have never felt so well taken care of, so loved, so blessed in my life as I do right now. And I only have Waheguru to thank for providing me with my life and the people in it.

This feels like a mental puberty. And this time, there aren't videotapes from the 80's to spell it out for me. I don't even know if this is the kind of thing I'm supposed to be able to figure out either. I'm not going to bother. Here's what I know after writing all this: I'm setting myself up for a life lived for others, and Waheguru will take care of me as I go through it.

I'm wide awake.

Week 2

We have our first exam this week. I feel like I've been here for years. Since the first day of school last Monday, I've been on campus for an average of 12 hours per day between class and studying. I decided that it's not worth burning myself out over; after all, it's pass/fail. Towards the end of last week and this week I've been trying to incorporate about an hour of working out into my schedule so that I don't turn into a complete fat ass in the library. I've also been cooking a lot more than I used to. Hopefully those habits will keep up as time goes on. It feels like we're studying for finals every day. I missed this though, in all honesty. I'm really happy to just jump right into it at full speed after the slow year that I had off, so I'm definitely in a good place. All I need is some good shopping time sometime this weekend and I'll be ecstatic. Or maybe I'll wait a little longer for my current billing period to close. Sushi would be nice though.

Last week I felt a little awkward socially. Back home I was so comfortable and happy with my group of friends. I genuinely believe that I was surrounded by the best possible people back home. Going from that across the country to this new place definitely threw me off. I didn't really prepare myself for meeting new people and making new friends, and I didn't really want to be in that position. It's getting better though. I'm certainly not one of those people who approaches everyone and introduces myself, I usually let circumstances take care of that for me. I've met a handful of people through studying in the library who I think will be good to keep around, and for now I'm happy with that. Most of these people will be in my life almost every day for the next four years, so I shouldn't have to worry about putting so much effort into getting to know them at this point. I miss having someone very close to me nearby though. I've always had one friend locally who I could just express anything to, and that's what's lacking here. For now, anyway. Oh well. I'm getting late for the library, it opened 5 minutes ago and I feel like I should've been there.

Orientation

So I am a first year medical student at SUNY Downstate in Brooklyn. I'm ecstatic about being here, and I chose this school because they were the only U.S. medical school to let me in. Though I might've chosen to come here over other schools I interviewed at if they also let me in. My class was encouraged multiple times to start a journal to track ourselves throughout school, so that's what I am going to do here for awhile. Let's see where it goes.

I definitely still don't completely believe that I got in. What a journey... Waiting for life to happen is by far the worst way to spend it, and I learned that the hard way. But at least I got to where I want to be. I feel very unsettled and it hasn't hit me yet that I moved out of California. Till this week I've been surrounded by my immediate and extended family, and even some friends from California over the past weekend. I guess those nine days to pack up my life, say goodbye and move didn't leave much time for me to internalize everything.

During the White Coat Ceremony, I had a moment where I looked around and thought to myself, "Do I really want to be here? Everyone keeps saying this is hard... do I really want to do that to myself? I could totally quit and go to beauty school and just start a salon and that would be great." Haha. It seems ridiculous that after making getting here my goal for the last 3 - 4 years I would have doubts now. It seems like it's more panic than actual doubt, mixed in with some lingering disbelief. Prior to getting the phone call that changed my life, I was pretty comfortable lounging around my parents' place in San Jose, looking for a job, and possibly another career plan if I didn't want to reapply to med schools (which I didn't).

I am excited though. I really did miss studying over the last year, so it'll be good to see how I fare after so much time off. And learning things would be cool too.

The Personal Statement

Now that I am in, I'm ready to share =) Enjoy!

I have an assertive voice and ready hands. Where I come from, women are quiet and their hands are bound with chores. My family comes from Punjab, a state in northwest India, the homeland of the Sikhs. Punjab is blemished with the most skewed gender ratio of any state in the country, because girls there are stigmatized as black-hole investments who offer nothing to their parents. Many resort to sex-selective abortion or female infanticide to avoid raising daughters. Of the girls who make it, many suffer abuse, and only few receive equal access to health care and education. I am one of those few. I have become aware that I have opportunities, abilities, and aspirations that many others do not. Since that realization, I have resolved to speak for the silenced, and show by example that Punjabi women can make significant contributions to society.

As a young girl, I participated in national level speech competitions, and developed confidence and a deep knowledge of the Sikh religion and its history. I published two articles about significant people in Sikh history in India Today Magazine. My role then became instructional: I taught young children at a Sunday school in San Jose, counseled at youth camps, and designed and conducted workshops about community service and gender roles at conferences for young adults across the country. Such close interaction with children and young adults taught me patience, and improved my ability to relate to people of different ages. I raised awareness and sparked dialogue about the rampant domestic and sexual abuse, poor access to health care and education for females in the Punjabi Sikh community. As a result, at least one more girl can now pursue her dreams. Reena wanted to be a doctor, but her parents wanted her to get married and settle down. After we met, she adopted me as a mentor and role model. She then convinced her parents that she can pursue her career and still have a fulfilling family life. Now, as she prepares for the MCAT, she enjoys a deeper relationship with her family. I took this cause global when I reached out to the largest transport organization in India for its collaboration in a massive publicity campaign against misogynist practices. The All India Motor Transport Congress controls 4.5 million trucks and buses. Using the vehicles as billboards, I am heading a project to design posters portraying positive images of females to advocate gender equality.

My desire to serve extends beyond the Punjabi community. In 2005, I traveled to Biloxi, Mississippi with a group of volunteers to help lay the groundwork for rebuilding after Hurricane Katrina. With untrained hands and eager hearts, we gutted low-income houses strewn with broken glass, upside-down sofas, overturned refrigerators swarming with pests, water lines eight feet high, and black mold blanketing walls and ceilings. My heart churned as we disposed of torn photo albums, damaged Bibles, and homework assignments. Knowing that my hands helped rebuild the lives of real families fulfilled me in a way that is different from speaking to audiences. I am excited that with the proper training in medical school, my hands will work to heal people’s illnesses.

In line with my professional aspirations, I also volunteered at the University of California, Davis (UC Davis) Medical Center emergency room (ER). I recognized the physical and emotional needs of the patients, and the compassion and skill that doctors bring to the table. I observed severe trauma patients and assisted doctors with procedures like applying splints and sutures. Between tasks, I talked to doctors, medical students, and patients about their experiences and various procedures. My most fulfilling experiences were with the patients. I remember an elderly woman: dried blood encrusted her face and hands, and a large laceration parted her scalp. As I washed her face and hands, she shared her troubles with me, released a sigh of relief, and smiled. I was privileged to feel, for a few moments a day, the special relationship that only doctors and patients share.

I have tried to make my life count for something, but I am just getting started. At UC Davis, my contact with medical professionals and patients motivated me to focus and improve my grades. Taking first-year courses alongside medical students in the Boston University Master of Arts in Medical Sciences program convinced me that I can succeed in medical school. While I will always fight for the status of women, I want a more immediate role in leaving this world a better place than I found it. As a physician, I will empower my patients with good health, and for some, give them another chance at life. Only a career in medicine offers relationships as meaningful as with the children at camps, participation as heartfelt as in Biloxi, the opportunity to ease pain as in the ER, and the credential to amplify my voice for human rights. I want to be an outstanding physician, and I have what it takes. If given the opportunity, I promise to bring honor, dedication, and integrity to the profession. You will be proud.

Leaps of Faith

So, this year has been full of my life not going as planned. Not living where I thought I would be, not doing what I thought I would be, not accepted where I thought I would be. There is more, but the bottom line is that nothing is as I hoped. Don't click away yet - this post isn't a rant. Incoherent and disjointed, perhaps, but not a rant.

The very first professor I worked for said to me, regarding future PIs: "It's okay to fall once in awhile, as long as you pick something up off the ground before getting back up." As you can tell, this can easily apply to other things in life.

I spent the majority of my time since September in a rut. Lost weight, gained it back, gained some extra, did a lot of whining, ate a lot of cheese with that whine... and what not. I've learned to just let it go. Until now I've been so caught up in this "life is about the journey" bullshit that I planned out each step of the journey so that it'd give me exactly what I want. But that doesn't work. I think it's best for me to just keep a bigger picture in mind, and take life day by day to go towards that goal. As far as the details, I guess I just have to take a leap of faith. Like that? Clever, isn't it? Incorporating the title into the post like that? Yeah?... quite clever indeed.

Anyway, now that I've come to this obvious realization, I am comfortable with it. My academic decisions so far (major, medicine, and decision to pursue grad school) were complete leaps of faith. In all cases, I had no idea what to expect and wasn't concerned with negative consequences. They just felt really right at the time, and nothing stood out as terribly wrong with them. These were also some of the best decisions in my life. I'm sure there are other decisions that I just didn't think through at all that turned out horribly... those were leaps of stupid, not faith.

It feels good though. Looking into the giant question mark that is my future less than three months from now, it feels good telling myself, "Whatever works out will be good," and actually believing it.

The Beauty of Discontent

I voted for the first time today. Makes me feel very American... go figure.

My mom and I were watching TV the other day, and in the midst of the commercials for various weight loss products, hair products and makeup, my mom said, "Look at how bad they have to make people feel about themselves so that they can do business. It's terrible."

Instinctively, I responded that the companies are simply taking advantage of the American mentality: we can always do better. We can always achieve better. We can always be better. A corollary is that we are not good enough now. Spend enough time thinking about that, and it paints a pretty ugly picture. Inadequate. Unaccomplished. Overweight. Unattractive. Just not good enough as we are now. Leave it to the media, and the solutions lie in the amount of money you are willing to spend, and the chemicals you are willing to put into your body. On a larger scale, with all of the debates between presidential candidates, there is definitely a common thread in all of the issues they address. I think we've heard all of them say, "We need to fix this broken system" for just about every 'system' there is, from education to health care to immigration to whatever else. Why is everything broken in this country? We are the youngest, brightest, wealthiest country in the world. But our citizens are too fat and have better access to McDonald's than to the doctor who does their bypass surgeries. Every system is broken.

I went to the gym today after a long time. Specifically, I attended a yoga class for the first time. There was a range of people in there: the instructor was probably a couple of years younger than me, and I was seated diagonally behind a senior woman. There were even a few guys in the class. And definitely a range of body types. People were there for all different reasons, from all different lifestyles and walks of life, but they had one thing in common: they were working to make their lives better. Whether to increase flexibility and agility, get some meditative minutes in the day, or improve focus and control over breathing: each person was working towards a goal. This is where I saw the beauty of America.

No matter where you stand with respect to your goals and dreams, and no matter how large or small those dreams are, there are avenues for change available if you have the heart to take them. And people do. There is a profound dignity in that. To not only say, "Yes, I can be better," but also take action - however small - to achieve.

This year off gives me a lot of time to think. And make change. I have some ideas of what I want to do... let's see what happens.

Happy 2008

I have been back from India for almost two weeks now. It is good to be back. My trip, though rewarding, was also kind of terrible. My mom and I got sick while we were out there, and coming home to recover was definitely, definitely what we needed. Mom was in much worse shape than me, and thankfully she is better now. She had us worried for a bit.

Anyhow, so now I am basically sitting around waiting for interviews. I have gone to two so far, and have another one coming up later this week. Studying for these interviews is somewhat fun... reminds me of the stuff I spent so much time studying in college and grad school. Finding the best way to articulate why I want to be a doctor and looking up the opportunities and resources different institutions offer are re-igniting the excitement of medicine for me... losing sight of that has been easy in the midst of living at home and working on this India project, which has been entirely unrelated to medicine so far. Now, all I need to do is get in somewhere.

Living at home is starting to get easier. My parents are cool about me going out pretty much whenever I want, which is really nice. Dad and I definitely still have our moments. Here is the thing with that: before, not only was I not living at home, but Dad was not nearly as vocal of his opinions. He was pretty easy-going... he would go to work, come home, and basically just chill. My brother and I were talking about this, and we both agree that all of a sudden he just started saying more stuff... really came out of left field. So we are getting to know him all over again, and it's a trip, but hopefully a lot of good will come out of it. He kind of suddenly decided that he wants the role of authoritative man of the house, so it doesn't really occur to him to ask my opinion or for clarification for something I'm doing (sometimes it doesn't occur to him to let me finish a sentence)... but we are working on that.

So, each new year for the past couple of years, my resolution has been to become more patient. I think God heard that one a little too clearly: my patience was tried more and more as time went by. This year, I am making no such resolution. I think I'm plenty patient. Now, I think perseverance will be a good goal for me to achieve. I have a few things on my plate between the India project and med school apps/interviews, and persevering will really pay off in making sure both of those are successful.

Here's to a happy new year.

BHEN for All: Offical Launch January 3rd, New Delhi, India

So I am in India these days. I came here on a little bit of a whim. I have been working on a project for the last few months or so: a visual campaign in the form of posters displayed on commercial trucks and buses to promote gender equality and access to health care and education for females in India. A mouthful, I know, but read it again if you have to and it'll make sense. Anyway, so I partnered with All India Motor Transport Congress (AIMTC), the largest transport company in India (as in the largest number of vehicles; 4.5 million, to be exact), and they called me around mid-December saying they were ready to launch on January 3rd.

Before that date, we had a lot of things to set into motion: I had to finish poster designs, put pressure on my good ol' buddy Paul to finish the website, we had to get samples printed in the States to take to India for mass-printing (since it is so cheap, and decisions about dimensions and materials hadn't been finalized), and we had to meet with people to get the printing done before the 3rd. Thankfully, it all happened. We printed four sample posters and decided to use three of them after meeting with the company officials, and we printed 1,000 sets of three posters each for distribution. For now, they are in English, but they will be printed in other languages very soon. Every two to three years, AIMTC holds a convention in which the new president of the company is inaugurated and managers from all over India get together and discuss any issues they need to handle. The launch of this project was held during this convention; I gave a five or seven minute talk on the issues of female infanticide and sex-selective abortion, their implications, and what I was asking of the transport managers.

I have never in my life spoken to such an audience. I sat on a panel of middle-aged men who were chairmen and other important administrators of AIMTC, another keynote speaker, and the transport minister of India, Mr. T.R. Balu. Note, I was the only female on the panel, and the only individual below 35 years of age. My audience was about 200 men also, and a few of their wives sprinkled in the mix. An American-born Indian girl speaking before a 90% male crowd, sitting on a panel of men too. I thought I might feel awkward but I was actually quite comfortable. I spoke in English because, well, functionally that is all I can speak coherently. I tried to speak slowly, and honestly I am not sure how many people understood what I was saying, but by the response I received I know it was definitely more than I could have hoped for.

People were so enthusiastic to spread this message. Even before I spoke to the AIMTC managers, my uncle set up a talk with the local branch of the Lion's Club, a service-oriented society that actually originated in Chicago, which has dedicated this month to raising awareness about female infanticide and sex-selective abortion. It seems that many people here know about the issue and recognize that the deeper problem lies in the way Indians think, and not the acts which are the outcome of that thinking. That people are just waiting for an opportunity to get involved is such a relief, and has definitely made my trip a gratifying experience. I think the next 10 - 15 years will show great progress for India's society. It won't be enough time for all of the wrinkles to be ironed out, but it'll be something, and I am excited to see what the future holds.