Somebody's Messing Around...

So I think God is messing with me.

I'm gonna just come out and say it - it's been a miserable week since I got back from Thanksgiving. Home was wonderful, the visit was long-awaited, and I got to see some loved ones who I hadn't seen in a really long time. One of my dear friends got married, another one of my dear friends came over for a spontaneous visit, and my grandparents are in town and they're just plain fun.

When I came back, I had two papers due and finals less than 3 weeks away, so there really was no time for me to readjust back to being in Boston. I took a day anyway and got nothing done on Monday. Tuesday droned on as I did my first paper, which was due on Wednesday. Overall I've been working slowly and unproductively because I just can't get my focus to kick in for the home stretch. Anyway, by Thursday I felt particularly pathetic for my lack of focus and actually made a list of things to do to make my life not pathetic. The first on this list is Stop Bitching. I bitch a lot, it turns out, and I think I would benefit from some positivity. So after making my list (and checking it twice) I felt somewhat refreshed and excited to approach a nice, study-filled weekend spent doing my second paper due next week.

Then Friday happened. I woke up late, then I went to the bank because I had $5 to my name in my account. The bank is about 10 blocks away and it was pretty overcast outside, so I took my umbrella with me. I put it down to fill out a deposit slip, and someone stole it. I got robbed at the bank. On the way home, I got rained on... then my partner in crime here asked me to pick up some coffee for her as I got my own, so I got my stuff from home, did that (another 5 blocks out of my way, in the rain), and arrived at the library close to 11 am. My plan was to get there around 8. With only an hour left before class, I couldn't get myself to do very much so I worked lightly here and there.

Things started to turn up at that point - class went well and afterwards I came home and started to relax. Then I got this phone call from my boyfriend; he called to break up with me. Here's the thing about this break up: okay, well there are a couple of things. He and I were good friends for quite some time and by the time we decided to start seeing each other, we both thought it was a good idea. Then, through some differences in expectations or a lack of understanding each other, I just saw myself getting more and more frustrated as time went on and thinking that things were so much better when we were friends and nothing more. At the same time, I had a good feeling about him and was ready to at least try to work things out. We talked about this and on Thursday he told me that he'd like to put in more effort as well... and with minimal communication afterwards, he called and broke up with me. Of course he wants to be friends, and of course I do too, and this break up was definitely for the best, but it still sucks. There's such a mess of thoughts running through my head on why he fluctuated so much, and there's not really anything I can do about that except try to suppress it because he offered no explanation. Anyway, so I'm back on the market or something. FYI.

I didn't want this to get me down for the rest of the day, so I made some delicious hot chocolate, listened to some music, and started my laundry. My brother wanted to make some plans so I started getting that together too. Becuase of my late start with my laundry, I didn't get to his place until about 10:40 pm, and at that time a few people came over just to hang out. For the most part it was a pretty chill crowd and I had a good time, and I was happy that the week was ending on a positive note. Then some guy came to sit next to me, his rear-end brushed against my foot, and guess what: he farted on my foot. It was a lethal one too, and the guy didn't even apologize or acknowledge it! I'm like DUDE, you farted on me! I didn't say anything to him, but I made it a point to let everyone else in the room know what was up and rallied them on my side. That was pretty easy because it turned out that no one really liked him much anyway. Sucka.

I'm still in Cambridge, I've decided to stay here for the weekend and get out of the gloomy BU Med library. I forgot my deodorant and face lotion in the South End though. I bought more this morning, but my brother wouldn't let me stop to apply them because he's always in such a rush, so I felt like ass pretty much since the time I showered till I got to the library (in the meantime, we walked about 3/4 mile to get breakfast, buy my things, and get to the library). I got some coffee, which tastes good, but like half of it spilled on my jacket (an off-white color) because the cup was too full and I was walking too fast to drink it at that time, thanks to my brother.

Now I am in the Harvard Law School library, and it's a very pleasant place. I needed to get all of this out of my system, and now I'm going to work on my second paper, due on Tuesday. Here I go, really, with the no bitching this time. Sigh.

Almost

Today I feel particularly restless. I don't know why, it could be that I haven't had my coffee, I might have gas, or it might be something entirely different. I have that sort of everywhere-yet-nowhere mentality and in a way it feels reckless... right now my life is almost good. Let me expand:

I have almost reached my goals with school, but I am still just short of reaching them.

My new friends are almost very close, but they are still just short of the kind of intimacy that close friends share.

The semester is almost over, but it is definitely not done yet.

I am almost happy with my physical condition, however I am still not happy with it.

It is almost time for me to go home for the first time since coming to Boston, but it is not time yet.

It's like there are so many places that need catching up, I don't know where to start, what to prioritize, and most importantly I don't know what to do.

I've been trying to incorporate prayer into my daily schedule as a means of retaining perspective and some element of inner peace, though so far I've been failing miserably. I mean, I pray every day but here I am, restless as ever and totally unaware of the big picture right now. Maybe I should start writing in a journal again. I'd been feeling for a long time that I should update my blog, but given its public nature I haven't really been able to figure out what I would write that wouldn't disclose too many of my thoughts for comfort. It might be nice to have some outlet of expression that is mine and just for me. I've also had a somewhat artistic inclination recently - I want to do something artsy but I don't know what. The most feasible option is a sketch, but what the hell am I supposed to sketch? I guess the inspiration will come to me at some point. I'm impatient, I want this restlessness to be over. Ugh.

Amazing.

You know what's cool?

This is from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet:

Shall the day of parting be the day gathering?

And shall it be said that my eve was in truth my dawn?

And what shall I give unto him who has left his plough in midfurrow, or to him who has stopped the wheel of his winepress?

Shall my heart become a tree heavy-laden with fruit that I may gather and give unto them?

And shall my desires flow like a fountain that I may fill their cups?

Am I a harp that the hand of the mighty may touch me, or a flute that his breath may pass through me?

A seeker of silences am I, and what treasure have I found in silences that I may dispense with confidence?

If this is my day of harvest, in what fields have I sowed the seed, and in what unremembered seasons?

If this indeed be the hour in which I lift my lantern, it is not my flame that shall burn therein.

Empty and dark shall I raise my lantern, and the guardian of the night shall fill it with oil and he shall light it also.

You know what's even cooler?
All of that was summed up in one line in Anand Sahib:

Eh sareera mereya, iss jag meh aaye kai, kya tudh karam kamaaya?

Amazing. Just amazing.

33!

August 2: Practice test : Unfinished
August 4: Practice test : Unfinished (8P)
August 6: Practice test : Cancelled
August 7: Practice test : Cancelled
August 8: Practice test : Unfinished (10P, 9V)
August 9: Practice test : 34: 12P, 11V, 11B wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee
August 10: Practice test : 32: 11P, 11V, 10B
August 11: Practice test : Cancelled
August 12: Practice test : Unscored, used for practice problems
August 13: Practice test : 36: 13P, 10V, 13B
August 14: Practice test : Cancelled, writing sample review
August 15: Practice test : Cancelled, writing sample review
August 16: Practice test : 30: 11P, 9V, 10B... totally lame.

August 19: MCAT: 33: 10P, 11V, 12B YAYYYY

Sigh...

There are two favorite parts in my day:
1. Lunch with my friends after biochem class in the cafeteria, because it's full of laughter.
2. Taking my socks off when I get home, because it's the most relieving thing ever. EVER.

I'm not really homesick anymore. I mean, I would love to go home, but I don't sit around getting depressed about it anymore, which is nice. I think the large part of my adjustment in Boston is over: I finally rearranged my furniture to my satisfaction, I have solid eating buddies, my roommate and I have become closer, and I'm learning to keep myself busy with only school on my plate. If you recall from my undergraduate blog, for awhile (when I was carrying two internships, the bhangra team and a few classes) I had quite a schedule to work with. Here's an example of what I'm doing with my time now - the following is my schedule for a typical Wednesday:

8:00 am - 11:00 am: Study
11 am - 11:30 am: Lunch
11:30 - 2:00 pm: Biochemistry (class)
2:30 ~ 4:00 pm: Biostatistics (class)
4:00 - 5:00 pm: Relax, have a snack (yes, that's written down)
5:00 - 8:00 pm: Study
8:00 - 10:00 pm: Dinner
10:00 - 12:00 am: Study

On other days, after class I fit in an hour and a half of gym time, and two days per week I plan to read from the New England Journal of Medicine, just to keep informed. My goal for maintaining a schedule like this is to have eight hours of studying per day, for a total of 40 hours per week (I will make up for hours I slack off with over the weekend), and four days per week I go to the gym. The schedule pretty much keeps me from 8 am to 12 am each day, and between 12 am and 8 am I need to sleep, shower and have breakfast. Maybe some ice cream too.

I drink coffee now. OK, so I've had two cups in the past week and a half, but it's a budding habit. I was really nervous to get started with this, and kind of got into it from peer pressure. The initial experience made me feel like I was being pressured into drinking. "Everyone does it! The first couple are pretty bad, but afterwards you're like 'Man this is the best!' Add some stuff to it and it'll taste good, promise!" My biggest objection to starting the habit was risking my teeth getting yellow, but only one cup a day shouldn't do much harm, and the occasional Crest Whitestrip Whitening program should keep my teeth white. There is a Dunkin' Donuts not too far from where I live, and a Punjabi couple works there. The first time I went, the woman didn't charge me for my hot chocolate (this was pre-coffee drinking). I went this morning, and her husband gave me an extra cup of coffee, on the house. I really had nothing to do with an extra cup of coffee, so I gave it to the security guard on campus. It's nice having a hook up though; I think that will foster my coffee-drinking habit.

I had my first midterm last week, and it TOTALLY kicked my ass. No joke, I haven't performed this poorly on an exam since I took organic chemistry, and I didn't even care about that class. I started studying this crap like a month in advance, and it amounted to nothing. I met with my professor this morning so I could find out what I was doing wrong. She assured me that for this section, what I've been doing is exactly on target, but I still don't feel convinced. I guess we'll see what happens.

Anyway, the people in my class are complete freaks and in order to get a seat, I need to arrive 30 minutes early. Which means I have to go now. Sigh...

Grinds My Gears: Graduate Edition

Ridiculous businesses really grind my gears. I ordered groceries to be delivered to my home yesterday (let's not get into why I was ordering groceries on-line in the first place), and the time frame they gave me for delivery is 7:30 AM - 11 AM for this (Thursday) morning. Let me just make note: that time frame is three and a half hours. That's a huge window. Anyway, after I submitted my order I got a blank email from the delivery service with a text attachment saying that my order was submitted. There was no further information on where I should go to check up on things, and no specifics of my order were listed. I'm honestly shocked that it wasn't picked up by my mail filter as spam, because for a moment I thought it was. Anyway, so I woke up at 7:15 this morning and around 7:25 hopped into the shower, looking forward to receiving my groceries. I got out at 7:45 and had three missed calls! Anyway, so they showed up at 7:34, which in all fairness is in the time window they gave me. They hung out for 10 minutes, so I literally JUST missed them. But get this - the number they left for me to reschedule is this 800 number and their main office operates on Central Time, and didn't open until 7 AM CT. SO, I could've probably caught them from not too far away but I had to wait for 15 minutes for their office to open so that I could actually talk to someone. And then that guy was like, "Well you could have checked online to have a narrower time frame with the ETA," and I said, "Yea that would've been great if your email told me that, I had no idea." I mean seriously - they should either have a local office that's open when they schedule deliveries, or they shouldn't schedule deliveries when no one's available for customer care. So I had to cancel my order, and I'm left without food and very grumpy. Stupid Peapod. As much as I'd like to say I'm never ordering from them again, I think I will have to when the weather is bad. That's what grinds my gears: idiot businesses that I have to rely on.

Boston

So I'm finally here. The long-awaited commute across the country took place, the mystery roommate was revealed, the jet lag is gone, and some new friends have been made.

My flight here was a red-eye, the first red-eye I've ever taken. My brother and I landed in Boston at 5:30 AM EST, after 5 1/2 hours with a demon baby and incompetent parents sitting two rows behind me. With the movers scheduled to arrive at 1 PM, my brother and I got breakfast and then I opted to start unpacking. I got to my new apartment around 7:40 AM and after a small ordeal about my keys, finally got inside close to 8. My roommate had already started her day and left home by the time I got there, so I had a few hours to myself to nestle in. The movers were running a little late with my furniture, so I laid down on the living room floor to take a nap. As soon as I closed my eyes, my roommate walked in and was like, "What are you doing?! Go on the bed!" referencing her bed. So we introduced ourselves and chit chatted a little bit, and the movers arrived with my furniture. I had to toy with my bed's arrangement; I couldn't really find one that was just right. I'm still not happy with it, but I think it's the best I can do given the dimensions of my room.

Orientation went smoothly, for the most part. I didn't get into one class that I wanted to take, but I am guaranteed a spot in it next semester. My advisor couldn't be present for class registration, and the woman in his place was a royal pain in the ass. I hope I never have to deal with her again. The staff here seem really overworked; I think it's because it's the beginning of the year and so many wrinkles need to be ironed out. They definitely have a lot more attitude than anyone did at Davis. Here, they pretty much tell you to get out of their faces if they don't want to deal with you.

My classmates all seem really nice. Everyone's very motivated. It's a little strange being surrounded by people with the exact same mindset and goals as my own. In Davis, there were people who weren't so sure about the future, who were too sure about it, pre-laws, enginnering majors, other health science majors, and just a whole lot more diversity in general with regards to academic pursuits. Here, many people have different backgrounds. Some have already applied to medical school and got rejected, some decided late in their careers that they wanted to be doctors, and a lot of people are like me - just not confident about applying yet and want to bolster their qualifications. I've met a couple of people so far who I get along well with, so hopefully my group builds a little more and I'll have an enjoyable year.

My parents came here over Labor Day weekend to help me get settled in. That was really nice of them. We got my last few pieces of furniture and a load of groceries from Costco. We were able to finish everything in one day - shopping and furniture building - so for Saturday and Sunday we were able to sit back and enjoy the city. Luckily the weather was kind of nice so we did a couple of touristy things in Boston. One of these days I'll run around the city with a camera and post some pictures so you can see my new home.

My roommate and I bonded a bit on Labor Day itself; we took a 3 hour walk around the city and talked the whole time. She's a lot more fun than I anticipated, and I think we will get along really well. Her friends are hilarious, I met them on Friday while we were setting up our internet connection... quite a good time. She gave me a warning that because her friends are married, all they talk about is different methods of contraception and sex with their husbands. Sure enough, both topics came up when I met them.

Classes here are intense. My first two days in my Biochemistry class were seriously half of one of my undergraduate courses. It makes me nervous about what's happening for the rest of the semester, but whatever who cares. My first exam is in about 3 1/2 weeks and I've been studying, but I still feel behind. Like I said though, who cares. I'll be fine.

Yesterday my brother and I checked out the Body Worlds 2 exhibit at the Boston Museum of Science. I have mixed feelings about it. It was cool in an educational sciency way, and when you think about how long it must have taken to prepare the cadavers, the amount of work that went into each one is really amazing. But on the other hand, it's like these were real people at some point. Some of the exhibits were super playful and kinda grotesque, and it's tough to draw the line between art work and disrespect to the bodies. One thing I noticed was that aside from the pregnant woman, all of the female cadavers were in poses that made them arch their backs and made their breasts stick out. My theory on this is that whoever prepared them is sexually repressed and resorted to his work to cope. They had a really cool segment on human development where they showed embryos during the first 8 weeks, and then each month of gestation that follows. I think that might've been my favorite thing to see. Babies totally look like aliens until they're ready to come out... totally. All in all, it was a great experience and I'm glad I got to see it.

I do miss California. I miss having my friends around the corner and being able to spontaneously go to Wal-mart or grab a bite to eat whenever I felt like it. Here, not only do I not have friends close by, but I don't have a whole lot of anything close by. It takes me about 35 minutes to get to my brother's place, which is only six miles away. Everyone else I know lives somewhere from 10 - 40 minutes away as well, so it kinda sucks in that sense. The good thing is that there is no fast food near my place, so I've been forced to either eat out at nicer places or cook my own food at home. I definitely miss driving too. I wouldn't want to drive here, but driving back home was nice. I guess the public transportation system here works well, but it's quite a change. The city is definitely very urban, which my neighborhood in San Jose and Davis definitely were not. Both places have their ups and downs I suppose - here and home, but home is always home.

Anyway, I think so far I'm off to a good start, and I'm excited for the year to come and hope I can leave here having opened some doors for myself.

No more mcatty!

It's finally over. Today was my first day of real freedom; yesterday was spent moving my belongings out of Davis. Hooray!

Befuddled

Alright, this is an incident that's been on my mind for over a month now (since it happened) and in the interest of not being repetitive in my posts, I've avoided saying anything but now I can't help it anymore. My parents were talking about my brother getting married, and they mentioned that they don't want him to marry a girl who's pursuing medicine because it'd take too long for her to get settled, and it's just not worth the wait. Now, you readers should know by now that I'm pursuing medicine. So I was sitting there listening to this and I was like "Umm... hello?"

They turned to me and responded, "Don't worry, we'll find you a nice doctor boy who will understand what you're doing."

Uhh, right. So I'm not really sure when educational pursuits became an issue that only certain people could "understand" according to my parents. My dad didn't finish school until his late 20's, but I guess that's different because....

What?

This makes no sense. I was taken aback by this; my parents are the last people I expected to say such a thing. Understand what I'm doing? What?... Now I don't want to marry a doctor, just to spite them. I know, I'm quite grown up.

I had a good weekend.

Progress...?

August 2: I started an exam written by a private prep company. I should've looked at it more thoroughly before I purchased it; the format was wack and the questions were ridiculously difficult - way beyond the scope of the mcat. I got frustrated about halfway through the first section because I was so caught off guard, and I stopped the exam and dismissed it and the other two written by that company for simulation purposes. They will now be used as practice problems.

August 4: Halfway through the exam, I realized I had taken it before. It got to the point where I recognized passages and recalled answers from memory, so I stopped taking this one too.

Plans for today's exam have been delayed. In its place I began an intense material review curriculum, through which I should be done with all MCAT material by the end of Monday and resume testing on Tuesday, August 8th.

Timeline

Here's the plan:

August 2: Practice test
August 4: Practice test
August 6: Practice test
August 7: Practice test
August 8: Practice test
August 9: Practice test
August 10: Practice test
August 11: Practice test
August 12: Practice test
August 13: Practice test
August 14: Practice test
August 15: Practice test
August 16: Practice test

August 19: MCAT

I'll keep y'all posted on each one....

Goodbye, Davis

After a couple of pretty emotional farewell-filled days, I managed to pick up most of my essentials and leave Davis once and for all. Until I go back to get the rest of my crap, anyway. It's official now: I no longer work in a pulmonary research lab on campus, I no longer live in a house way too big for only two people with only one other person, I no longer have the roommate I've had for the past three years, and I will never have classes with any of my UC Davis friends again. My parking permit, however, is still valid for a few more days.

My first coupla days in San Jose were pretty miserable, however, I'm enjoying the very pleasant weather and the non-carcinogenic water has done wonders for my hair. I'm still getting used to not having friends within 5 minutes of me, but with the bastard MCAT I wouldn't have time for them anyway, so I guess it's not so bad at all.

Waiting to Exhale

I've started partaking in a 20 minute pilates work out each morning, as of last Wednesday. On Saturday, I added a 30 minute cardio routine afterwards. The routine is slowly getting better. On the first day of pilates, I literally flailed my appendages recklessly around the floor. Now, I am more coordinated. I'm definitely feeling better after starting all this, and I am awaiting the day that I look better too. I looked at my stomach in the mirror the other day and thought, "Well now, that's not so bad." But then I exhaled. Dammit. One day...

Winding Down...

Friday is my last day in Davis. Today's Wednesday. This is crazy. It's about 8:20 AM and I'm not really sure about how I'm spending my day. I should go to work at some point, but I don't know what I'm going to do there or when I should show up or how long I'll be there. I also have tons of studying to do, as always. But damn, two more days.

A few friends have been telling me that "we have to get together" before I leave and one has even already said his good-bye. I feel very fortunate to have so many great friends here, and everything about good-byes makes me sad. One of my friends who I've danced with and shared a great deal of classes with for the past two years or so came over a couple of days ago, ate a little bit of food with me, we chit chatted and watched TV; it was a very typical meeting between the two of us. As he was leaving he started with all the good-bye phrases: "We'll be in touch," "Have a great time in Boston," etc. etc. etc. Once he left it hit me that I won't be in all my classes with the same two or three people anymore. I won't go to the library and see the same familiar faces anymore. Nothing's going to ever be the same after I leave from here, and I will definitely miss the way things are.

I've been thinking of ways that I might keep in touch with my friends so that we don't lose each other entirely after I leave. Practical ways that I won't fall behind on. I'm thinking perhaps I'll call one friend each week and play catch-up, and cycle through everyone I want to keep in touch with that way. I should be able to afford one phone call in a week. Actually, that's the only thing I've thought of so far. My mom told me a long time ago that the friends you make in college are the friends you keep for life. I really hope that's true with me.

I don't think I'll be able to move out my belongings from here until after the MCAT, which gives me some comfort because I will definitely have to come back here before I go to Boston. Let me tell you one thing though, I will definitely NOT miss the people who live on De Soto Place. Worst neighbors EVER, to the max. Any of you who have talked to me about my neighbors know that I feel this way for good reason. I'll leave it at that.

On Friday night, I went to my friend's Bachelorette/Farewell party. Her party consisted of an evening at Aura in Pleasanton, a restaurant-turned-night club that seems to be pretty popular. It was a really strange experience though. My clubbing and partying experiences thus far entailed a college crowd; Aura definitely was not home to college students that night. We spent our time there among thirty-somethings, many of which left their kids at home to go clubbing, and many more of which thought they were still college students. Man, people really do look their best in college... Hopefully my future partying experiences will involve people my own age for the most part. I also saw go-go dancers for the first time at this club. Now I'd never seen them before that night, but I'm pretty sure that a good go-go dancer doesn't bend over and flail her appendages all night long... in fact, I'm inclined to think that she would actually dance. Whatever pays for school though, right?

I have three and a half more weeks until the MCAT. My progress has been... slow. But, I have three more weeks and I think I can buckle down and get to it. Largely because my air conditioning finally works. However, I only have air conditioning for two more days. In San Jose, it used to only be pretty hot (like high 90's) for a week or two throughout the year, so we never felt that merited purchasing an air conditioning system. However, this year it's been painful in San Jose without AC. Painful. Once I go back there, I think I will spend at least the hottest parts of the day in the San Jose State Library. It'd be much easier with a study buddy though. Last time I went there I got spooked by how empty it was, so I tried the Public Library, and I was irritated with all the kids running around screaming. Over the past few years I've developed an affinity towards a delicate balance of the number of people present in a library and what they're doing. I feel a bit like Goldy Locks when it comes to my scenery of choice for studying.

I have quite a few friends in the Tri-State Area on the East Coast, and I'm excited to be moving closer to them since I seriously see them a couple of times in a year, at the very most. At the same time, New York City is about a 4 hour commute from Boston, so I don't think I'll be making that trip very often. But at least I have the option, and that's what counts.

I finally have a place to live in Boston, and my parents found me a roommate as well. I was pretty shocked about that - especially since I told them I preferred not to have a roommate, but if I did, then I didn't want to share my room or clean up after her. We have a one bedroom place together, and my parents proposed that we partition the living room and make her bedroom within that partition, but I am more inclined to share my room because that would just look too ghetto. It should be fun though, I hope. I don't know much about her personality right now, but I know quite a bit about her academic achievement. It really felt like I was getting married to her when my mom described her to me. "She's a petite girl, her complexion is like this and her hair is like this, she wears glasses, she seems very flexible with her living arrangement and all she wants is a nice place to study. She's a vegetarian non-smoker, she's very very bright, and her family is also very well educated." Replace all of those with "He" and it sounds like a proposal, doesn't it? She sounds nice though, so hopefully we will get along fine.

http://www.mavti.com/JCM1frame.htm

That's a virtual tour of my place next year. It looks nice.

This transition from Davis to Boston is bittersweet. I'm very excited about the Masters program I'm doing and I am pretty sure that the entire experience will keep me from missing Davis too much. At the same time, I will always call Davis home and as long as my friends are here, it will be a place for me to visit.

Much Ado About Nothing

I'm all riled up these days and I'm not sure exactly why. I feel like a bird with ruffled feathers that can't smoothen them out and just be. I think all the stuff I have coming up in the next month and a half is getting to my nerves.

It hasn't sunken in yet that I'm moving out of the state for a year (at least). It's going to be a huge change, leaving the state and all. So far, the longest time I spent away from home was when I went to New York for about a month during the summer after my freshman year to get my foot in the door with research. Before that and afterwards, I've generally gone home about every two weeks or so. Coming home every two weeks from Boston definitely won't happen. I'm a little concerned about how the dynamics of my family will change. It's always been my brother going out and seeing the world and just plain not being home. Before it was for debate, now he's out for law school... it's just the way it's been. And I've been home. I have a feeling that the empty nest syndrome will hit my parents pretty hard, particularly my mother. I hope they get past it quickly and use it as an opportunity to get closer to each other; I would really love to see that happen. Leaving the state definitely has me a bit ruffled.

It hasn't even sunken in yet that I'm leaving Davis. I went to the library yesterday because it was too damn hot to stay at home; it was my first time there since Spring quarter finals. I felt right at home, but I still left after about an hour because I was spooked by how empty it was. I haven't had sushi at Nobu for awhile either, I'm really starting to miss that place. God, I love Alaska Rolls. My sushi buddies have already left Davis, one for the summer and the other permanently, leaving me with no one to spontaneously grab some sushi with. On top of that, there are a few people who I am accustomed to seeing or talking to every day, and a lot of that is based on my actually being here. These are people I've seen/talked to every day for years now, so that will be quite an adjustment. I'm not so anxious about leaving the lab anymore. I'm getting to the point where I feel like it's a good time for me to go. A lot is changing over there as it is; by the time I leave, not a single person who was there when I arrived will still be around (aside from my bosses).

I hope I'm able to find good friends in Boston... I'm not the kind of person who can sit by herself for a year and be happy with that. On top of that, I'm trying to complete a two year program in half the time. I'll be honest, I'm very intimidated by that idea. Not only do I have to complete the program, I need to complete it really really well in order for my degree to be worth anything later. It'll be quite a challenge. So far I've believed that nothing will be thrown my way that I can't handle; I hope I still believe that a year from now. Ruffle ruffle.

Now, for some reason I hate to admit this, but I honestly think that I will be at least engaged to someone sometime in the next two years. This has been on my mind a lot lately, I think because my parents keep bringing it up. Either about me or my brother or one of my cousins... it's just the wedding season I guess. A part of me feels pressure to find someone, and I don't like feeling this way. The simple answer to that is "Well, don't feel that way then," but I'm not sure if I know how to do that. I think I've been putting this pressure on myself for awhile and managed to push it away a lot of the time. I don't know, I really don't know what to make of all this. It feels like a waste of time to think about - things will happen when they are supposed to and that's that. But it won't get off my mind either. Ruffle.

It really seems like all of this is a waste of time to think about. I still have the MCAT in August and that's where my attention needs to go. That's just the story of my life, though. What needs to be done eventually gets done, but on the way my attention goes to every other channel possible. I hope the MCAT still goes well for me, I really need it to. It'd be so great if I could just shake off everything I'm thinking about for the next five weeks, smooth out my feathers and just take off.

Hallelujiah (sp?)

After almost six months, I finally made progress on my project at work. I am absolutely ecstatic. Yesterday I gave my boss my three week's notice; July 28th is the last day I will walk into the lab as an intern. Today I went in to finish my immuno, and after the slides were done I looked at them with my boss. Expecting to hear the usual, "The staining isn't very good, I'm not sure why. I haven't seen anything do this before," I was extremely surprised to hear him say, "This is really beautiful staining." Surprised in a good way, of course. So it looks like I can get my lab work done in the next three weeks, and he said it's "absolutely possible" for me to gain a publication out of all this. Hooray!

Closed Path

I thought that my voyage had come to its end
at the last limit of my power,--that the path before me was closed,
that provisions were exhausted
and the time had come to take shelter in a silent obscurity.
But I find that thy will knows no end in me.
And when old words die out on the tongue,
new melodies break forth from the heart;
and where old tracks are lost,
a new country is revealed with its wonders.
-- "Closed Path", Rabindranath Tagore

I like this poem.

Personal Statement

Since this is the Graduate Edition, I felt it appropriate to include one of the documents that ensured my admission into graduate school. For those of you who are unclear, I am going to graduate school in the fall (not medical school yet) where I will have an opportunity to earn a Master's of Arts while I strengthen my academic merit for medical school. Below is the statement I submitted to Georgetown University, but you can expect to find me at Boston University. I think it's a little dry here and there, but here goes:

I have always enjoyed studying math and science, but two years ago my intellectual and social concerns came together to compel me to pursue a career in medicine. After researching career options and consulting my professors and mentors, I decided that a medical career would best allow me to combine my love for science with my desire to improve life for disadvantaged people in my community as well as our broader society. Volunteering in the Emergency Room of the University of California, Davis Medical Center and experiencing the hospital environment first hand solidified my desire. Becoming and being a doctor in our society is a tremendous challenge, and I have the energy and motivation to rise to it. I believe the student support and courses offered in the Georgetown University Special Masters Program in Physiology will not only add depth to my undergraduate education in Neurobiology, Physiology and Behavior at UC Davis, but will also enable me to further demonstrate my eligibility for medical school.

A significant part of my personality has been positively influenced by my participation in bhangra, a form of North Indian folk dancing. I started dancing when I was six years old, and in college, my extensive experience allowed me to assume a leadership role on my team. As captain, I motivated my teammates to unleash their potential and creativity. Together, we competed across the nation from San Jose to Boston, thrilling audiences everywhere. I mastered the art of time management by choreographing routines under tight time schedules. I successfully balanced a full-time course load, twelve hours of laboratory research, four hours at the UC Davis Medical Center, and eight hours of dance practice each week. Winning and losing dance competitions taught me the importance of direct communication, team work, personal dedication, and of constantly pushing my limits and learning from my mistakes. I approach each of my activities believing that I can succeed; my involvement in dance proved to me that I can.

Dancing keeps my body healthy, and laboratory research exercises my mind. Through active participation in research, I have gained an increased respect for life and an amplified appreciation for the physiological mechanisms that enable us to adapt to our dynamic environment. Presently, my laboratory is concerned with physiological responses to pulmonary injury; we aim to understand mammalian responses to ozone and derive effective means by which we may protect ourselves from this harmful pollutant. I spent nearly a year learning to perform surgical techniques and immunohistochemical protocols with precision and consistency; I now use these skills in my independent research. Consequently, Professor Schelegle offered me a paid position with the title Assistant IV, the highest research position an undergraduate student can hold on our campus. My current project explores the distribution of calcitonin gene-related peptide receptors and neurokinin-1 receptors in the airways of ozone-exposed rats. I expect my project's completion by June and I plan to submit an article for publication soon after.

Aside from my interest in research, I am deeply concerned by gender-related social issues. Specifically, I am disheartened by the increasing incidence of sex-selective abortion within the Punjabi Sikh community. I already socialize and relate with impacted individuals through youth camps where I mediate forums that allow parents and teenagers to bridge communication gaps. As a physician, providing quality healthcare and sound medical advice will bolster my qualifications and allow me to use my influence to ensure a positive and bright future for our girls.

Welcome

My Crazy: unsensored contains all of my blog entries from my undergraduate years, and I've decided to keep it that way and thus give rise to My Crazy: graduate edition. Perhaps it's to preserve some sense of nostalgia, treating my recorded thoughts during my time at UC Davis as an album or anthology. I can see how it's pointless, but I don't call myself crazy for nothing, right?

In any case, this blog won't be much different from the other. You will have the opportunity to read about me being stupid, making mistakes, accomplishing my goals, and growing up. Enjoy.