Whenever I sit down to write a post I always want to have a positive outlook and great things to say about where I am and how I am doing, but more often than not, it just hasn't been that way lately. So I haven't written. Now my thoughts are far more disorganized than they have been in the past, but I'm going to make an attempt anyway. Bear with it if you want, if not that's okay too. This one's for me. My outlook isn't as positive as I want it to be, I'm not doing as well as I'd like, but at the same time I think I'm doing just fine and things aren't nearly as bad as they could be. In any case, let's see if writing this helps me find a more positive spin on everything going on.
I just read over the last post I wrote before leaving Boston: Liberating. To this day, I can still say that time was the highest of my life so far. Since childhood anyway. It's amazing how things change. Right now I still can't say that I feel as good about myself as I did back then, but I'm probably the closest I ever have been since then, which is an improvement from previously. The last year or so was pretty rough. But I'm glad it's over. I gave up on trying to learn how to live in the moment. In 2007 I said it was a difficult thing to learn, but these days it just seems pointless. A lot of moments just kind of suck. There are also always plans that have to be made and preparation for tomorrow and the days to come; that's inevitable. Managing that while still enjoying life today, however, is a much more worthwhile goal to me.
Six months into rotations and everything everyone has told me is right. Time flies on by, there isn't much time for a personal life, and by the end of it all, I just want a nap. But as an update from my previous post, I am happy to say that my hard work is finally paying off. I've been doing much better so far in this year of med school than the last two, so at least I have some reason to stay motivated. And to be honest, I have more time to myself than I anticipated. Compared to last year, this year is so much better not only in terms of my performance but also in terms of my learning and enjoyment and overall satisfaction in life.
Here's something new and exciting: I've decided on what I want to do for my next step. Just like halfway through my third year of college I decided I wanted to be a doctor, halfway through my third year of medical school I decided what kind of doctor I want to be. I want to be an obstetrician and gynecologist when I grow up. I never thought I'd want to go into this field, but now that I've made the decision I'm not very surprised. When I did the rotation, I really enjoyed myself on almost every level. I wasn't a big fan of the operating room. I know, that's a big part of the field, and since I loved every other aspect of day-to-day ob/gyn stuff I really had to give it some thought. I also had to figure out whether it was the fantastic people I was working with that made me enjoy the rotation, or if it was the actual job. So I considered those things in subsequent rotations and gave them some thought, and I still think ob/gyn is for me. The OR has since grown on me, and while the people who taught me played a big role, the kind of work I've done since then just doesn't measure up. The patient interactions, the variety of activities, and the focus of the field still win over the other stuff I've done. I came to this conclusion towards the end of December. I arranged to meet with my dean so that she could give me ideas on what I should do to be a good candidate for residency programs. She wasn't all that encouraging. "With your board scores, maybe you should have a backup field in mind." So I met with the residency director here, and when I told him what she said, he just laughed. He was far more encouraging and said I definitely have great chances of matching at some decent programs.
So here we are today. The goal for 2012 is set, the path until then is more or less laid out, and I feel pretty good about it. I still have these inner thoughts nagging at me telling me it won't work out and I'll be in trouble later, but they carry less importance than they did before. I feel a bit like a psych patient saying that about my auditory hallucinations... but I don't have those. As long as I don't get too hung up on little details, like where in the country I do my residency, I think I will do just fine and be happy.
One of the greatest challenges that I am trying to overcome is releasing myself of the expectations I had for "when I grow up." The picture I had in mind for where I would be in life right now and in the coming years is very, very different from reality. When I think about all that I begin to get stressed. I always thought that I'd either be married or close to it by now, and that I'd be done having kids by the time I'm 30. I also thought that I'd still be incredibly close to my friends from college and before that, and even my friends from Boston, and that my relationships with my cousins would have strengthened over the last few years. I'm so unbelievably far from all of those things. Not to say that where I am now is a bad place, but it's the opposite of what I envisioned in so many ways. The stress comes from when I consider what I'd have to do to make all of those things happen (by the time I am 30) and it's quite daunting. I realize that I need to let all of that go if I'm going to be sane and happy. Looking into the future and seeing question marks is scary. But there are good things too. I'll be 27 this year, and while that means I only have three years left to start and finish having children (ha!), it also means that I will be Dr. Singh before my 28th birthday. I think that's pretty cool... it also feels like a nice high note to end this post.
I just read over the last post I wrote before leaving Boston: Liberating. To this day, I can still say that time was the highest of my life so far. Since childhood anyway. It's amazing how things change. Right now I still can't say that I feel as good about myself as I did back then, but I'm probably the closest I ever have been since then, which is an improvement from previously. The last year or so was pretty rough. But I'm glad it's over. I gave up on trying to learn how to live in the moment. In 2007 I said it was a difficult thing to learn, but these days it just seems pointless. A lot of moments just kind of suck. There are also always plans that have to be made and preparation for tomorrow and the days to come; that's inevitable. Managing that while still enjoying life today, however, is a much more worthwhile goal to me.
Six months into rotations and everything everyone has told me is right. Time flies on by, there isn't much time for a personal life, and by the end of it all, I just want a nap. But as an update from my previous post, I am happy to say that my hard work is finally paying off. I've been doing much better so far in this year of med school than the last two, so at least I have some reason to stay motivated. And to be honest, I have more time to myself than I anticipated. Compared to last year, this year is so much better not only in terms of my performance but also in terms of my learning and enjoyment and overall satisfaction in life.
Here's something new and exciting: I've decided on what I want to do for my next step. Just like halfway through my third year of college I decided I wanted to be a doctor, halfway through my third year of medical school I decided what kind of doctor I want to be. I want to be an obstetrician and gynecologist when I grow up. I never thought I'd want to go into this field, but now that I've made the decision I'm not very surprised. When I did the rotation, I really enjoyed myself on almost every level. I wasn't a big fan of the operating room. I know, that's a big part of the field, and since I loved every other aspect of day-to-day ob/gyn stuff I really had to give it some thought. I also had to figure out whether it was the fantastic people I was working with that made me enjoy the rotation, or if it was the actual job. So I considered those things in subsequent rotations and gave them some thought, and I still think ob/gyn is for me. The OR has since grown on me, and while the people who taught me played a big role, the kind of work I've done since then just doesn't measure up. The patient interactions, the variety of activities, and the focus of the field still win over the other stuff I've done. I came to this conclusion towards the end of December. I arranged to meet with my dean so that she could give me ideas on what I should do to be a good candidate for residency programs. She wasn't all that encouraging. "With your board scores, maybe you should have a backup field in mind." So I met with the residency director here, and when I told him what she said, he just laughed. He was far more encouraging and said I definitely have great chances of matching at some decent programs.
So here we are today. The goal for 2012 is set, the path until then is more or less laid out, and I feel pretty good about it. I still have these inner thoughts nagging at me telling me it won't work out and I'll be in trouble later, but they carry less importance than they did before. I feel a bit like a psych patient saying that about my auditory hallucinations... but I don't have those. As long as I don't get too hung up on little details, like where in the country I do my residency, I think I will do just fine and be happy.
One of the greatest challenges that I am trying to overcome is releasing myself of the expectations I had for "when I grow up." The picture I had in mind for where I would be in life right now and in the coming years is very, very different from reality. When I think about all that I begin to get stressed. I always thought that I'd either be married or close to it by now, and that I'd be done having kids by the time I'm 30. I also thought that I'd still be incredibly close to my friends from college and before that, and even my friends from Boston, and that my relationships with my cousins would have strengthened over the last few years. I'm so unbelievably far from all of those things. Not to say that where I am now is a bad place, but it's the opposite of what I envisioned in so many ways. The stress comes from when I consider what I'd have to do to make all of those things happen (by the time I am 30) and it's quite daunting. I realize that I need to let all of that go if I'm going to be sane and happy. Looking into the future and seeing question marks is scary. But there are good things too. I'll be 27 this year, and while that means I only have three years left to start and finish having children (ha!), it also means that I will be Dr. Singh before my 28th birthday. I think that's pretty cool... it also feels like a nice high note to end this post.
