In July, I spent the whole month at home in California. My primary objective was to study for and take the second step in my licensing examination. The second was to resolve some anxiety issues I developed during the two years prior, that were related to longstanding feelings of inadequacy I had and never really got over. One of the things that I left home with was the decision to start praying again. This was my parents' idea. Mom told me not to make a big deal of it, just say a few words in the morning and go on with my day and just see how it goes. Ever since I came back from home I've been doing that, and honestly, I don't think I've seen better days. I've been working really really hard whenever I go to work, come home exhausted with no interest in seeing anyone or doing anything, but I still feel great about myself. Something about working so hard and learning so much has just been gratifying beyond all reason. I think it's partly because I'm back rotating through the field that I want to do for the rest of my life, so I'm naturally more interested; but I can't ignore the fact that I've added this little prayer to my routine. Every word of it has come true since I started reciting it, and I hope it always stays that way. So I thought I'd share my little prayer with you. In the morning on the subway on my way to work, I take a minute and close my eyes and say to myself, "Please let this be a good day. Let me learn, help, and let me think clearly. Please keep my family happy, healthy, and close to You, and please let me always be thankful." That's it. And it works. Who woulda thought?
Monday, September 12, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
7/17/2011
Decided to write today as per Deepak Chopra's recommendation to "download" one's thoughts before bed. I have many thoughts, so before I attempt to tease them out I'll procrastinate with some brief context. Step 2 is one week from now, and it's also the first day of my period for this month. While before that only meant I'd be irritable, in recent years I've acquired more migraines and more emotional lability. I put today's date at the top because at some time in the future I'd like to think I will have made progress from this point and want to maintain a frame of reference.
I've refrained from expressing many of my thoughts because, frankly, I'm scared of them. I fear that by expressing them, I will legitimize them and allow them to become real entities that I can't brush off so lightly. I've been doing this for years. And recently, they've become more intrusive and more deprecating than I ever thought possible, and I'm afraid that if I don't confront them, I'll be entirely consumed and likely dysfunctional. A part of me believes that I should be following with a psychotherapist or at least talking to someone, but I don't have time for therapy and if my own thoughts scare me so much, I'm not sure anyone close to me will be able to receive them in any sort of helpful way.
Enough digression. I feel I've come to hate myself. It brings tears to my eyes as I write this down. Looking back, I can see a pattern that may have led to this kind of thinking in some sick way. And I do wholeheartedly believe that my current perception of myself is inaccurate, unhealthy and counterproductive. My parents and brother have been very strong components to this process, and I hate that because I love and admire them so much. The last thing I want to do is fault my strongest, most loving supporters for the way I feel about myself now. I don't by any means give them 100% credit for this. It's mostly been my own pathologic thinking distorting their words and accomplishments into insults directed at me.
I've felt inadequate in many ways for a long time. I think it started off as efforts for self-improvement. I used to visualize the kind of person I wanted to be, and tried very hard to accurately assess where I stood relative to that and made decisions on what I should do to reconcile the difference. Perhaps at some point, I couldn't reconcile that difference, and somewhere along the line I stopped believing in my ability to do so.
My dad SO proudly talks about everything he accomplished during his education, and I've seen Mom and Mithu do great things with themselves. I feel like I've done nothing. Like I just have this small existence and am this black hole that feeds off my family's successes. When I see my family I'm so proud of them and so happy for them, but I feel so very small. And I don't even know what I could do at this point to make myself feel otherwise.
It's like there are two sides of me that have entirely conflicting opinions. One side sees a beautiful woman with a winner's smile and nearly limitless potential. I like that side very much. However that's also the side that's making me cry almost continuously as I write because it's full of pity. The other side sees a smiling facade making a feeble attempt to mask a dumb, overweight, fluke of a medical student trying to get by on a fun personality. That side sucks. The scary part is, however, is that it has grown stronger. I think it started off as a small feeling that I could and should be doing better than I am, that I don't have any excuses for my shortcomings since my family has worked so hard and paid so much to make sure I have every resource I could ever want. Over time, that small feeling evolved into a bigger one, and at this point I find myself wondering if this might be part of the pathogenesis of schizophrenia? I don't want that at all. I don't want this negative side of me to grow a voice that exerts any type of real influence on me.
And yet there is a third side. This one wonders whether the feelings I have now are overly dramatized and exaggerated to mitigate any mistakes I make when taking Step 2. I have noticed myself to make excuses for my behavior. Taking responsibility for my failures never came easily, or even instinctively. At some point my reflex developed to make an excuse or rationalize why I fell short. Maybe this current episode is me making an excuse for myself and shouldn't be taken that seriously; I mean, I have work to do.
So in summary, I hate myself, I pity myself, and I don't take myself seriously. Now that I've written these things down, I don't feel closer to becoming a schizophrenic. I receive tons of positive feedback and input on every aspect of my life; I even provide it to myself on some level. I need to give that part of me a stronger voice. I also realize that I hate talking about all this because it makes me cry so much, and I hate crying. More than that I hate it when people see me cry.
Unlike before, I don't have a clear visualization of the person I want to be. I have a rough idea, but the details aren't panned out. I do realize, however, that in order for me to regain control over myself I need to start thinking more positively, and also need a way to block my own negative thoughts from intruding on my mind space. I sincerely believe that most of my inertia comes from that dark sucky side that doesn't think I'm going to make anything of myself anyway, so if I can eliminate - or at least mute - that part, I should be able to extract far more satisfaction out of my life. That inertia really is the only thing standing between me and the best version of me.
As a first step, I'm thinking to try meditation. I'm hoping it will be a good exercise to gain control over my mind. I'm convinced that that's where I need to get started, so let's see how this first step goes for me.
I've refrained from expressing many of my thoughts because, frankly, I'm scared of them. I fear that by expressing them, I will legitimize them and allow them to become real entities that I can't brush off so lightly. I've been doing this for years. And recently, they've become more intrusive and more deprecating than I ever thought possible, and I'm afraid that if I don't confront them, I'll be entirely consumed and likely dysfunctional. A part of me believes that I should be following with a psychotherapist or at least talking to someone, but I don't have time for therapy and if my own thoughts scare me so much, I'm not sure anyone close to me will be able to receive them in any sort of helpful way.
Enough digression. I feel I've come to hate myself. It brings tears to my eyes as I write this down. Looking back, I can see a pattern that may have led to this kind of thinking in some sick way. And I do wholeheartedly believe that my current perception of myself is inaccurate, unhealthy and counterproductive. My parents and brother have been very strong components to this process, and I hate that because I love and admire them so much. The last thing I want to do is fault my strongest, most loving supporters for the way I feel about myself now. I don't by any means give them 100% credit for this. It's mostly been my own pathologic thinking distorting their words and accomplishments into insults directed at me.
I've felt inadequate in many ways for a long time. I think it started off as efforts for self-improvement. I used to visualize the kind of person I wanted to be, and tried very hard to accurately assess where I stood relative to that and made decisions on what I should do to reconcile the difference. Perhaps at some point, I couldn't reconcile that difference, and somewhere along the line I stopped believing in my ability to do so.
My dad SO proudly talks about everything he accomplished during his education, and I've seen Mom and Mithu do great things with themselves. I feel like I've done nothing. Like I just have this small existence and am this black hole that feeds off my family's successes. When I see my family I'm so proud of them and so happy for them, but I feel so very small. And I don't even know what I could do at this point to make myself feel otherwise.
It's like there are two sides of me that have entirely conflicting opinions. One side sees a beautiful woman with a winner's smile and nearly limitless potential. I like that side very much. However that's also the side that's making me cry almost continuously as I write because it's full of pity. The other side sees a smiling facade making a feeble attempt to mask a dumb, overweight, fluke of a medical student trying to get by on a fun personality. That side sucks. The scary part is, however, is that it has grown stronger. I think it started off as a small feeling that I could and should be doing better than I am, that I don't have any excuses for my shortcomings since my family has worked so hard and paid so much to make sure I have every resource I could ever want. Over time, that small feeling evolved into a bigger one, and at this point I find myself wondering if this might be part of the pathogenesis of schizophrenia? I don't want that at all. I don't want this negative side of me to grow a voice that exerts any type of real influence on me.
And yet there is a third side. This one wonders whether the feelings I have now are overly dramatized and exaggerated to mitigate any mistakes I make when taking Step 2. I have noticed myself to make excuses for my behavior. Taking responsibility for my failures never came easily, or even instinctively. At some point my reflex developed to make an excuse or rationalize why I fell short. Maybe this current episode is me making an excuse for myself and shouldn't be taken that seriously; I mean, I have work to do.
So in summary, I hate myself, I pity myself, and I don't take myself seriously. Now that I've written these things down, I don't feel closer to becoming a schizophrenic. I receive tons of positive feedback and input on every aspect of my life; I even provide it to myself on some level. I need to give that part of me a stronger voice. I also realize that I hate talking about all this because it makes me cry so much, and I hate crying. More than that I hate it when people see me cry.
Unlike before, I don't have a clear visualization of the person I want to be. I have a rough idea, but the details aren't panned out. I do realize, however, that in order for me to regain control over myself I need to start thinking more positively, and also need a way to block my own negative thoughts from intruding on my mind space. I sincerely believe that most of my inertia comes from that dark sucky side that doesn't think I'm going to make anything of myself anyway, so if I can eliminate - or at least mute - that part, I should be able to extract far more satisfaction out of my life. That inertia really is the only thing standing between me and the best version of me.
As a first step, I'm thinking to try meditation. I'm hoping it will be a good exercise to gain control over my mind. I'm convinced that that's where I need to get started, so let's see how this first step goes for me.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Figured it out
Why my blog has become so whiny. I used to just write about stuff that I also talked about with my friends, but looks like I don't feel the need to repeat myself on here. So I've just been writing what I don't like talking to friends about, and that's all the whining. Kinda mad that it took me this long to get it, but hey, I'll take it. So there you go, Internet. You're my diary... oh boy. I see this discontinuing soon unless something changes.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Switchin' things up
So I did a little review of my blog today. Everything I've written so far has been about my own life, and most of it is kind of whiny and boring. Like nearly everything. So until my life becomes more interesting, I'm going to try writing about other things. I haven't decided exactly what yet, and I also don't know if it's going to carry some kind of unified theme or not. But it'll be something. Let's see how it goes. If anyone still reads this thing, feel free to comment to this post and leave suggestions! Alternately you can just read about whatever it is you feel like reading about from someone who writes better. But you'll be a much cooler person if you comment =)
But of course, a quick update:
I am having a great time these days. I'm at the end of my third year, the end is finally in sight. I'm set on Ob/Gyn and have never been more excited or sure about anything in my life. Moving into Manhattan has been great for my social life. I've had the chance to meet so many people, some of them fantastic, others not so much, but all the same it makes life that much more entertaining. I am a little apprehensive about where I will end up for residency, but like other situations where I faced uncertainty, I am telling myself that whatever works out will be good for me. And I believe it. Mostly. A lot of my friends are moving on with their lives too, in terms of preparing for their residencies or getting married and finishing their degrees and that sort of thing. Everyone's starting to grow up and it's a good feeling. I remember back in college I was terrified of graduating and losing that sense of being care-free and having no real responsibilities. I don't feel that way anymore. I think at this point it's easier to see that while getting older and moving forward does come with increased responsibility, there's also a lot more fun to be had. Oddly enough, my fear of pregnancy is gone. Perhaps this is my ovaries talking but I'm looking forward to having kids of my own and being a parent some day. I'm not in a rush, but when the time is right I think it'll be a lot of fun. Hopefully this good feeling lasts for awhile!
But of course, a quick update:
I am having a great time these days. I'm at the end of my third year, the end is finally in sight. I'm set on Ob/Gyn and have never been more excited or sure about anything in my life. Moving into Manhattan has been great for my social life. I've had the chance to meet so many people, some of them fantastic, others not so much, but all the same it makes life that much more entertaining. I am a little apprehensive about where I will end up for residency, but like other situations where I faced uncertainty, I am telling myself that whatever works out will be good for me. And I believe it. Mostly. A lot of my friends are moving on with their lives too, in terms of preparing for their residencies or getting married and finishing their degrees and that sort of thing. Everyone's starting to grow up and it's a good feeling. I remember back in college I was terrified of graduating and losing that sense of being care-free and having no real responsibilities. I don't feel that way anymore. I think at this point it's easier to see that while getting older and moving forward does come with increased responsibility, there's also a lot more fun to be had. Oddly enough, my fear of pregnancy is gone. Perhaps this is my ovaries talking but I'm looking forward to having kids of my own and being a parent some day. I'm not in a rush, but when the time is right I think it'll be a lot of fun. Hopefully this good feeling lasts for awhile!
Friday, January 21, 2011
I'm probably okay.
Whenever I sit down to write a post I always want to have a positive outlook and great things to say about where I am and how I am doing, but more often than not, it just hasn't been that way lately. So I haven't written. Now my thoughts are far more disorganized than they have been in the past, but I'm going to make an attempt anyway. Bear with it if you want, if not that's okay too. This one's for me. My outlook isn't as positive as I want it to be, I'm not doing as well as I'd like, but at the same time I think I'm doing just fine and things aren't nearly as bad as they could be. In any case, let's see if writing this helps me find a more positive spin on everything going on.
I just read over the last post I wrote before leaving Boston: Liberating. To this day, I can still say that time was the highest of my life so far. Since childhood anyway. It's amazing how things change. Right now I still can't say that I feel as good about myself as I did back then, but I'm probably the closest I ever have been since then, which is an improvement from previously. The last year or so was pretty rough. But I'm glad it's over. I gave up on trying to learn how to live in the moment. In 2007 I said it was a difficult thing to learn, but these days it just seems pointless. A lot of moments just kind of suck. There are also always plans that have to be made and preparation for tomorrow and the days to come; that's inevitable. Managing that while still enjoying life today, however, is a much more worthwhile goal to me.
Six months into rotations and everything everyone has told me is right. Time flies on by, there isn't much time for a personal life, and by the end of it all, I just want a nap. But as an update from my previous post, I am happy to say that my hard work is finally paying off. I've been doing much better so far in this year of med school than the last two, so at least I have some reason to stay motivated. And to be honest, I have more time to myself than I anticipated. Compared to last year, this year is so much better not only in terms of my performance but also in terms of my learning and enjoyment and overall satisfaction in life.
Here's something new and exciting: I've decided on what I want to do for my next step. Just like halfway through my third year of college I decided I wanted to be a doctor, halfway through my third year of medical school I decided what kind of doctor I want to be. I want to be an obstetrician and gynecologist when I grow up. I never thought I'd want to go into this field, but now that I've made the decision I'm not very surprised. When I did the rotation, I really enjoyed myself on almost every level. I wasn't a big fan of the operating room. I know, that's a big part of the field, and since I loved every other aspect of day-to-day ob/gyn stuff I really had to give it some thought. I also had to figure out whether it was the fantastic people I was working with that made me enjoy the rotation, or if it was the actual job. So I considered those things in subsequent rotations and gave them some thought, and I still think ob/gyn is for me. The OR has since grown on me, and while the people who taught me played a big role, the kind of work I've done since then just doesn't measure up. The patient interactions, the variety of activities, and the focus of the field still win over the other stuff I've done. I came to this conclusion towards the end of December. I arranged to meet with my dean so that she could give me ideas on what I should do to be a good candidate for residency programs. She wasn't all that encouraging. "With your board scores, maybe you should have a backup field in mind." So I met with the residency director here, and when I told him what she said, he just laughed. He was far more encouraging and said I definitely have great chances of matching at some decent programs.
So here we are today. The goal for 2012 is set, the path until then is more or less laid out, and I feel pretty good about it. I still have these inner thoughts nagging at me telling me it won't work out and I'll be in trouble later, but they carry less importance than they did before. I feel a bit like a psych patient saying that about my auditory hallucinations... but I don't have those. As long as I don't get too hung up on little details, like where in the country I do my residency, I think I will do just fine and be happy.
One of the greatest challenges that I am trying to overcome is releasing myself of the expectations I had for "when I grow up." The picture I had in mind for where I would be in life right now and in the coming years is very, very different from reality. When I think about all that I begin to get stressed. I always thought that I'd either be married or close to it by now, and that I'd be done having kids by the time I'm 30. I also thought that I'd still be incredibly close to my friends from college and before that, and even my friends from Boston, and that my relationships with my cousins would have strengthened over the last few years. I'm so unbelievably far from all of those things. Not to say that where I am now is a bad place, but it's the opposite of what I envisioned in so many ways. The stress comes from when I consider what I'd have to do to make all of those things happen (by the time I am 30) and it's quite daunting. I realize that I need to let all of that go if I'm going to be sane and happy. Looking into the future and seeing question marks is scary. But there are good things too. I'll be 27 this year, and while that means I only have three years left to start and finish having children (ha!), it also means that I will be Dr. Singh before my 28th birthday. I think that's pretty cool... it also feels like a nice high note to end this post.
I just read over the last post I wrote before leaving Boston: Liberating. To this day, I can still say that time was the highest of my life so far. Since childhood anyway. It's amazing how things change. Right now I still can't say that I feel as good about myself as I did back then, but I'm probably the closest I ever have been since then, which is an improvement from previously. The last year or so was pretty rough. But I'm glad it's over. I gave up on trying to learn how to live in the moment. In 2007 I said it was a difficult thing to learn, but these days it just seems pointless. A lot of moments just kind of suck. There are also always plans that have to be made and preparation for tomorrow and the days to come; that's inevitable. Managing that while still enjoying life today, however, is a much more worthwhile goal to me.
Six months into rotations and everything everyone has told me is right. Time flies on by, there isn't much time for a personal life, and by the end of it all, I just want a nap. But as an update from my previous post, I am happy to say that my hard work is finally paying off. I've been doing much better so far in this year of med school than the last two, so at least I have some reason to stay motivated. And to be honest, I have more time to myself than I anticipated. Compared to last year, this year is so much better not only in terms of my performance but also in terms of my learning and enjoyment and overall satisfaction in life.
Here's something new and exciting: I've decided on what I want to do for my next step. Just like halfway through my third year of college I decided I wanted to be a doctor, halfway through my third year of medical school I decided what kind of doctor I want to be. I want to be an obstetrician and gynecologist when I grow up. I never thought I'd want to go into this field, but now that I've made the decision I'm not very surprised. When I did the rotation, I really enjoyed myself on almost every level. I wasn't a big fan of the operating room. I know, that's a big part of the field, and since I loved every other aspect of day-to-day ob/gyn stuff I really had to give it some thought. I also had to figure out whether it was the fantastic people I was working with that made me enjoy the rotation, or if it was the actual job. So I considered those things in subsequent rotations and gave them some thought, and I still think ob/gyn is for me. The OR has since grown on me, and while the people who taught me played a big role, the kind of work I've done since then just doesn't measure up. The patient interactions, the variety of activities, and the focus of the field still win over the other stuff I've done. I came to this conclusion towards the end of December. I arranged to meet with my dean so that she could give me ideas on what I should do to be a good candidate for residency programs. She wasn't all that encouraging. "With your board scores, maybe you should have a backup field in mind." So I met with the residency director here, and when I told him what she said, he just laughed. He was far more encouraging and said I definitely have great chances of matching at some decent programs.
So here we are today. The goal for 2012 is set, the path until then is more or less laid out, and I feel pretty good about it. I still have these inner thoughts nagging at me telling me it won't work out and I'll be in trouble later, but they carry less importance than they did before. I feel a bit like a psych patient saying that about my auditory hallucinations... but I don't have those. As long as I don't get too hung up on little details, like where in the country I do my residency, I think I will do just fine and be happy.
One of the greatest challenges that I am trying to overcome is releasing myself of the expectations I had for "when I grow up." The picture I had in mind for where I would be in life right now and in the coming years is very, very different from reality. When I think about all that I begin to get stressed. I always thought that I'd either be married or close to it by now, and that I'd be done having kids by the time I'm 30. I also thought that I'd still be incredibly close to my friends from college and before that, and even my friends from Boston, and that my relationships with my cousins would have strengthened over the last few years. I'm so unbelievably far from all of those things. Not to say that where I am now is a bad place, but it's the opposite of what I envisioned in so many ways. The stress comes from when I consider what I'd have to do to make all of those things happen (by the time I am 30) and it's quite daunting. I realize that I need to let all of that go if I'm going to be sane and happy. Looking into the future and seeing question marks is scary. But there are good things too. I'll be 27 this year, and while that means I only have three years left to start and finish having children (ha!), it also means that I will be Dr. Singh before my 28th birthday. I think that's pretty cool... it also feels like a nice high note to end this post.
