Neither here nor there

I don't have a niche, and I don't know if that's okay. Right now I don't feel good about it. At this point I've moved cross-country three times, and it's taking its toll. When I went to Boston it was like "You can take the girl out of California but you can't take California out of the girl!" or whatever. Then I reluctantly moved back to California, leaving a part of myself in Boston and bringing a part of Boston back with me. Then with a week's notice I picked up and moved to New York and I've started to embrace living here too. I guess I'm just realizing how much where I live and where I have lived contribute to my sense of identity. I also realize that I'm probably going to move again in three years, but who knows where.

There are other things too. In my posts from last year I wrote about how my personality changed once I moved here, and while I feel like I found a balance I am still somehow unsettled. Perhaps I'm getting to a point where I'd appreciate some stability in my life and I'm not sure where to find it. The things that brought me comfort before don't anymore, and I'm at a loss for where to look. I always felt that my community was my anchor, and everywhere I go I build a new community. And every time I go somewhere, people fall behind. With so many friends coming and going, I almost expect that the people who I am close to now probably won't be close to me on any long-term basis, because life will make us part ways at some point anyway. That's the part I don't like. It's isolating.

One solution is to just not let this be an issue, live in the moment and enjoy who I have today. While this is an attractive option, I really have no clue how to do it. I've become wired to think about the future with almost everything I do, and I don't know how to turn that off. What I want more than that is to stop being such a nomad. But that's out of my control at this point. I don't know, I guess things will work themselves out somehow like they always do.

I used to want to be dead by 40

It's true. I figured by that point, my body will start letting me down in more ways that I can handle, my husband will probably be in some kind of mid-life crisis and irritate me about it, and my kids will be old enough to make my life hell... and they probably will.

But recently I've found something to look forward to! Embarrassing the shit out of my kids. How much fun will that be? For all the crap they're going to do to me when they're in middle and high school... the talking back, the attitude, the arguments, boyfriends/girlfriends, etc... I will definitely have my chance to get back at them. On the dance floor! It's going to be amazing. And I think as long as I find a man who is willing to join me in this endeavor, nothing else will bother me too much. Bring it on, kiddos. And just watch me electric slide on yo ass. Just watch.

Afterthoughts

Project Lilly Meets Treadmill failed miserably. I went twice or thrice to the treadmill and stopped. I don't think I get running, it bored me and scared me about my knees. I've gone back to bhangra... which probably isn't better for my knees but at least my body's used to it and knows what to expect.

In other news, I know I wrote on here before that I didn't quite feel like I had a set group of friends here. Somewhere between then and now, I grew a family! I don't know how or when it happened but I'm so glad it did. I think I realized it once one of my cousins moved here in April. I love her dearly, and growing up we were totally sisters - complete with matching outfits and petty fights. She stayed with me in Brooklyn for a weekend and I had some studying to do. As I worked she just hung out on my bed, and it really felt no different than having one of my friends from here do the same. That's when it hit me that I grew so close to my friends at Downstate - when having them around feels the same as having my family around.

Though as I get closer to the community here, I feel more and more estranged from the Sikh community. I don't remember if I've written about this already. There are some things I miss about Sikh company and some things that I don't. It also makes me question if it's important to me to marry a Sikh. I feel like it is important because I know that's what my parents want and it's been important to me until recently... but I'm not all that religious lately and I feel mostly OK about that. I don't know, this is something I need to give a lot more thought. Or I just need (want) some dashing Sikh man to sweep me off my feet and problem solved.

I'm finally on summer break! Things I learned this year:
- I love California so much more than I realized.
- Med school is kind of hard. Especially when there are so many things I want to do that aren't med school.
- I like the way people dress around here. Slowly getting into prints and bright colors.
- Latin music is hella fun.
- Earlier this year I talked about how my personality changed to be more polite and what not. I think I found my balance - people now know to expect my sharp (and quite witty) retorts every so often, but I'm also about as easily amused as a 5 year old and giggle at every chance I get. I like it.
- My metabolism DEFINITELY slowed down. Can't wait to kick it back up into gear.

This is my last summer break OF MY LIFE. So far each day has been better than the last, and hopefully it continues that way!

Self-help

I wrote this as a stream-of-conscience when I was feeling so down that I just had to write out everything and sort out my thoughts. It helped.

I feel defeated. Like I should be doing better. I keep comparing my time here to the year I spent in Boston, however over there I was far more driven to do well than I am here. Why is that? What was different? For one, I wasn’t in med school yet and that’s what I was going for. I knew I had to bust my ass, and that’s what I did. But I knew once I got here that I had to bust my ass too. Perhaps I was complacent? But then in genes to cells I worked my ass off and still didn’t do well. I went to AD then… what did they say. They told me to go through each lecture fewer times, but to emphasize points as I went along instead of relying on reiterations. They also told me to summarize in my head the point of each paragraph, talk it out, etc. recommended some books for practice problems, but cautioned heavily against relying on those. I didn’t really follow what they told me. I drew pictures in musculoskeletal and didn’t study development as well as I should have. I goofed off a lot thinking that I didn’t need to spend that much time on the material. Why did I think that? Maybe partly because I was spending so much time with one of my friends, and he doesn’t have to spend that much time on the material. I overestimated myself. I think I also felt defeated back then too – after working so hard in genes to cells without seeing results, I was like why bother? And I think a lot of that mentality never left me when I should’ve worked on getting rid of it a long time ago. While I’m studying I keep coming up with all these ideas of how I should review concepts, but I don’t get around to doing them. Why not? I get side-tracked by what other people are doing, how they are studying. I feel some kind of weird pressure to study the same way as everyone else, but I can’t be doing that. I need to do my own thing, what works for me. I keep wanting to blame the people around me for my slacking or for my mood or whatever. Is this valid? As much as they complain, they’re all doing more work than I am. So why am I only picking up on what people say and what they bitch about? How come I’m not the one doing work and telling them to handle their stuff? Why do I just not want to be here right now? Where would I rather be? I know I would definitely feel better about being here if my performance was better. So what’s holding back my performance? I keep thinking I need a good study buddy to keep me motivated and doing things, but I don’t think that’s really it. Everyone around me is always studying and doing things, but I’m still not motivated. I bought a vacuum for no reason. My friends here have such intense personal things they’re going through, and they’re still doing the work. What’s my hold up? Obviously now it’s my lack of motivation, but what’s at the bottom of that? Do I really just want to be doing something else? Let’s go back to feeling defeated. Has that really ever happened to me before? Maybe in moments, but never like this. I always felt like there’s no challenge I can’t overcome. What changed? I mean yeah I haven’t been doing that well in med school, but I haven’t been trying my hardest either. I’ve definitely noticed a regression in my focus – it’s like college again where I overloaded my plate and I have to re-discover my balance. In Boston there was no question of this – all I did was school and that was it. Why did I all of a sudden think I could balance in labs and clinical stuff I didn’t have during Boston AND school AND a life? That’s stupid. I should have known better. I’m slowly realizing it now and for some reason it’s depressing to me. I should have anticipated this. Everyone around me has their personal lives, but I don’t think that’s meant for me right now. Some people can handle it, some can’t handle it and don’t have a choice - it’s thrown at them anyway, and me, well.. I just can’t. Circumstances-wise there’s absolutely nothing that should hold me back. My parents are delightfully supportive of me being here and keep saying that they’re ready to pay for any resource I need. I need my own mind to work with me… it’s too bad they can’t pay for that. So what are we going to do about this? What needs to change? Which parts of my life are distracting right now?
- I can’t be the one to hear people complain about school all the time. Even though this isn’t the source of my problems, it definitely exacerbates the situation. I need to be around more positive people and away from that kind of negativity… I think the library is a good place for me, I’ll keep coming here.
- I’m largely social with the people in my floor, getting caught up in conversations at the spur of the moment or whatever.
- I still think that doing some kind of research will improve my focus. Reading that kind of intense literature forces you to think on a deeper level, and I just have no exposure to that right now. I think I just need to do some of that on my own… maybe read up on articles related to the block I’m in or just on something else for interest or something. Anything.
- I get upset at the monotony of my neighborhood. I can’t really do anything about this though – we all know that I won’t function well if I have to commute. But I think it’ll be worthwhile to explore different places around here to study so I can have a break. I’ll make that my project after coming back from Mexico. Finding a new study spot with a reasonable commute and good atmosphere.
- I have good instincts. I need to learn to take action on them and lose this inertia, this laziness. I’m not a lazy person – Dad pointed this out years ago. When I care, I do. I haven’t been caring about how do I here because I let this feeling of why bother? overcome me. Fuck that. I’m here to bother. When it comes down to it, I want to be a doctor. Let’s be honest, I’m not going to get anything I want out of life without this career. Yes, it’s going to make a lot of things hard. Yes, my family life is going to be more difficult and yes, this worries me. But so far I’ve had every single resource I could ask for, and I have no reason to believe that won’t be the case later. I don’t want to end up some kinda spinster who can’t find a man because she’s been so picky all her life, but that’s not going to happen to me. Look at who I’ve dated – I’m obviously not that picky. So I do the work now, get on top of my shit, and I’ll have the life I want. The prestige, the money, the job that lets me do something bigger than myself every day. That’s what I came here for, and why the hell should I try to leave without it? I still want all of those things. Playing with make up is fun, but beauty school isn’t a good option for me. I’d feel like my existence is useless and superficial and I’d probably be even more depressed trying to pay off the debt I’ve already accumulated without having the job I want. I know I would have regrets if I left med school now. That’s not what I want. Right? I don’t think so. Probably not.
So here’s what we’re going to do in Spring break:
1. Go shopping after the test. Retail therapy is in order.
2. Hit up Mexico and have a good time. It’ll be a good break, just relax and don’t let anything get to you.
3. Upon coming back, explore Brooklyn a bit. Find a place you’d like to spend the day reading.
4. Think about what you’d like to do research in. Your own research, just for fun. Find a few papers, download them, even print them and keep them in your backpack to read when you don’t feel like reading school crap. Then when you want to play solitaire, you do this instead.
OK that’s it. No more bitching. Get to work.

My obstacle

So every two weeks, I observe physician-patient interactions at the walk-in renal clinic at Kings County Hospital. Most of the patients who come in are people with chronic kidney disease, sometimes diabetes, and often in need of dialysis. After they're done waiting they're usually pretty upset, and in a hurry to leave. Though occasionally, there are some really sweet patients who just want to feel better. Late in January, we had a patient with multiple myeloma with renal failure on top of it. He was here from Trinidad on vacation, visiting his sister and her family, felt sick and received his diagnosis. He knew he had only a handful of months left to live. Definitely one of the sweet ones. I don't really say much when I go to the hospital, but he noticed me standing there and said I looked like an important person, someone who matters. Stately was the word he used haha. He kept talking, and soon I got the impression that he was incredibly aware of his imminent death and wanted to say as much as he could while he still had the chance. As you've guessed, he gave me a life lesson or two. And I'm really glad he did - turns out, I needed to hear what he had to say, and it stuck with me since. He said, "Never let anyone get in the way of what you want. All types of people in all types of ways will get in between you and your goals, but no. You got to fight for what you want. You always got to fight."

And it's true. Different people and different things have been getting in my way, and I haven't been fighting. I've been letting them. I've been getting in my own way with my passiveness and complacence. I'm done with that. I owe myself more. It's fight time.

25 Random Things About Me

Just for fun. Enjoy.

1. I get really hangry if I have to wait too long for my food. That's hungry and angry in case you didn't know.

2. I like to pray in the mornings and in the evenings. It keeps me in perspective and in sight of the bigger picture.

3. A couple of people have told me that I'm too happy of a person to live in the kinda neighborhood I do. But I really like it here, despite how gray the neighborhood is and how depressing things look sometimes.

4. I've ALWAYS wanted to learn Vietnamese. Maybe one day I'll actually get around to it.

5. A great marker of close, lasting friendship with me is whether or not I talk about my GI function with you. If I've spoken to you about my regularity (or irregularity) you know you're definitely here to stay as far as I'm concerned. If I haven't, either I'm still sizing you up to see if you can handle it, or I'm embarrassed to talk about it with you.

6. One of my biggest fears is hurting people's feelings. I like talking a lot of smack, but as long as that line isn't crossed.

7. Making people feel better genuinely makes me happy. I'm on cloud 9 when people laugh at my jokes or enjoy a meal I cooked or smile after a hug.

8. Shameless conversations with a close girlfriend will pick up my mood any day.

9. A good sushi meal works miracles on me.

10. I daydream about being good at a lot of things (sports, musical instruments, other performance arts), but I am too self-conscious to work up to the point where I would ever actually develop a skill. I don't want to go through the phase of being bad at something.

11. I only want an even number of children. I don't want to risk middle-child-syndrome or spoiling a kid or anything like that.

12. The word Bitch hurts me a little on the inside every time I hear it, and even when I occasionally say it.

13. I seldom forget anything that people say to me, especially if it's something unimportant said in passing.

14. I didn't realize how neurotic I was until I started living alone here. I only allow filtered water into my kettle, bamboo plant, and water bottle. I have separate towels for drying clean hands and clean dishes in the kitchen. I'm sure there are others that I am still figuring out.

15. I'm not a fan of the Cheesecake Factory for anything other than cheesecake. It's just large portions of watered-down-stuff-you-can-get-better-anywhere-else.

16. For the past few years, my new year's resolution has been to gain patience. I'm satisfied with my level of patience, so now I'm working on persistence.

17. My mother is by far my best friend. She's the only person who knows exactly what I'm thinking, what I'm happy about, and what I'm scared of without me having to say a word. She's a workaholic and needs to take better care of her health, but she's my hero and I can only hope to be half the person she is when I grow up.

18. My brother is the classiest and most articulate person I know. Thinking of him makes me think that I should raise my expectations and standards for myself. Sometimes that leads to me feeling inadequate, but other times it's motivating.

19. Dancing isn't what it used to be for me, and I'm a little sad about that. It used to be such a huge release for me: just a total break from everything that was bogging on my mind. Maybe since I haven't performed in years I've become disconnected. I'm still looking for something to be my release.

20. My friends are as important to me as my family. There is seldom a day where I don't think about how lucky I am for having them in my life.

21. Hershey's chocolate does absolutely nothing for me. I love chocolate, but not to the point where I'd eat that grainy-cardboard-tasting crap.

22. Half the reason I enjoy Illy coffee is because it rhymes with my name.

23. I want to be more religious than I am, but I just don't have the self-control to get there. I feel like I'm in a very indulgent phase of my life, and I'm still deciding how I feel about that.

24. Almost every time I go out into public, someone comments on how pretty I am. Sometimes I'm creeped out because people say some crazy things, but it's often reassuring and I don't mind it very much at all.

25. One of the most calming things for me is looking up into the sky and gazing at the stars. I think that's what I miss most about living in California: seeing stars.

Where am I?

This doesn't feel like medical school. I'm having too much fun. I've become lazy. It feels kind of like... high school. I was definitely a better medical student in college and grad school than I am now. I was reading over some old posts from my old blog and I'm impressed by how motivated and introspective I was. I want that back... I feel like I lost my groove and now it bothers me. I barely have an attention span anymore: seriously, I've checked facebook like 3 times in the course of writing this post so far (yeah, all 4 sentences of it). I'm going to go try to get some semblance of focus back. Suggestions/advice welcome.