That's the one word I will use to describe the year I've spent in Boston. Looking back, I think college allowed me to figure out what kind of person I want to be, and gave me the foundation and strength to discover what kind of person I am. When I left UC Davis, I was confident about my future and insecure about my present. It's scary, not knowing where you'll be, what you're capable of, what kind of people are your people, who you can trust, how vulnerable you can make yourself without being weak, and who will turn around and judge you and betray your trust. So I graduated college thinking: trust no one, don't expect anything from anybody, and do your best. You're all you've got.
Once I got out here, it took awhile for this new place to warm up to me. New people, new locals, a whole new feel, new school, new home, new everything. In fact, I think I took the entire first semester getting used to life out here before I thought about venturing out of my shell. Here's my perception of where I stand now: I am confident that I can do well in medical school. This wasn't the case before - I didn't really apply myself in college to the point where I focused on school and school alone; by the time I got serious I had a million other things to do. I came here, I did my best, and it paid off. I finished my coursework and my thesis in 11 months. I can't express how empowering that is. I mean I knew I was smart but this year was such a great stroke to my ego... haha, I am so into myself right now. Really, feel free to stop reading if you like; I won't be offended. However, a more significant discovery is my new-found comfort in vulnerability. I have been very, very fortunate with the people who surrounded me this year. They have been the most accepting, understanding, and non-judgmental people I have ever met in my life. Lately I've found myself sharing things with people I'm not incredibly close to that I usually wouldn't share with anyone at all, and I don't mind it. Hopefully my dear friends don't mind listening to me pour my heart out all the time... so far they have been great sports, and I appreciate that more than anything.
So, I still don't know where I will be. I always felt I was capable of anything, but now I really believe it. My people are honest, warm, in love with laughter, and generous with their affection. I still don't always know who I can trust or how vulnerable I can be without being weak, but there is only one way to find out. And in the end, I have learned to find strength in weakness. I am better about trusting my instincts and taking action based on them, and I believe that will serve me well in my future. I haven't learned to not have expectations. When it comes down to it, I am intense with the people who I allow to be close to me, and I build expectations for them. They should be straightforward and direct with me, and ready to drop everything in their lives for me in times of need as quickly as I would for them. They should accept my random humor and the occasions (which seem to be increasing in frequency) when I share way too much information, and always be happy to see me. Always. I don't think I will ever be able to change that, and I am positive that it will be the source of great emotional pain and disappointment for me throughout my life. But the rare few who can handle and fulfill my great expectations make it worth it.
If it isn't obvious enough, I am in a good place right now. My lonely spell hasn't ended yet; I miss the intimacy and comfort that relationships offer, but whatever. Things happen when and how they are meant to, and I don't see any reason why I should be left out there... so I will wait and see what happens. It's a process, learning how to live in the moment. Hasn't been easy figuring out how to do it, but I am trying, and that's what counts.
I am leaving Boston in nine days. I leave here thinking: trust whoever feels right, put as many expectations as desired, and always do my best. Sunshine always comes with shadows, so I just have to learn to find enjoyment in both. At the end of it, I am all that I've got, but whoever wants to join in for the ride, by all means hop on board. At the very least, I can promise you some great dining =).
Once I got out here, it took awhile for this new place to warm up to me. New people, new locals, a whole new feel, new school, new home, new everything. In fact, I think I took the entire first semester getting used to life out here before I thought about venturing out of my shell. Here's my perception of where I stand now: I am confident that I can do well in medical school. This wasn't the case before - I didn't really apply myself in college to the point where I focused on school and school alone; by the time I got serious I had a million other things to do. I came here, I did my best, and it paid off. I finished my coursework and my thesis in 11 months. I can't express how empowering that is. I mean I knew I was smart but this year was such a great stroke to my ego... haha, I am so into myself right now. Really, feel free to stop reading if you like; I won't be offended. However, a more significant discovery is my new-found comfort in vulnerability. I have been very, very fortunate with the people who surrounded me this year. They have been the most accepting, understanding, and non-judgmental people I have ever met in my life. Lately I've found myself sharing things with people I'm not incredibly close to that I usually wouldn't share with anyone at all, and I don't mind it. Hopefully my dear friends don't mind listening to me pour my heart out all the time... so far they have been great sports, and I appreciate that more than anything.
So, I still don't know where I will be. I always felt I was capable of anything, but now I really believe it. My people are honest, warm, in love with laughter, and generous with their affection. I still don't always know who I can trust or how vulnerable I can be without being weak, but there is only one way to find out. And in the end, I have learned to find strength in weakness. I am better about trusting my instincts and taking action based on them, and I believe that will serve me well in my future. I haven't learned to not have expectations. When it comes down to it, I am intense with the people who I allow to be close to me, and I build expectations for them. They should be straightforward and direct with me, and ready to drop everything in their lives for me in times of need as quickly as I would for them. They should accept my random humor and the occasions (which seem to be increasing in frequency) when I share way too much information, and always be happy to see me. Always. I don't think I will ever be able to change that, and I am positive that it will be the source of great emotional pain and disappointment for me throughout my life. But the rare few who can handle and fulfill my great expectations make it worth it.
If it isn't obvious enough, I am in a good place right now. My lonely spell hasn't ended yet; I miss the intimacy and comfort that relationships offer, but whatever. Things happen when and how they are meant to, and I don't see any reason why I should be left out there... so I will wait and see what happens. It's a process, learning how to live in the moment. Hasn't been easy figuring out how to do it, but I am trying, and that's what counts.
I am leaving Boston in nine days. I leave here thinking: trust whoever feels right, put as many expectations as desired, and always do my best. Sunshine always comes with shadows, so I just have to learn to find enjoyment in both. At the end of it, I am all that I've got, but whoever wants to join in for the ride, by all means hop on board. At the very least, I can promise you some great dining =).
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