Decided to write today as per Deepak Chopra's recommendation to "download" one's thoughts before bed. I have many thoughts, so before I attempt to tease them out I'll procrastinate with some brief context. Step 2 is one week from now, and it's also the first day of my period for this month. While before that only meant I'd be irritable, in recent years I've acquired more migraines and more emotional lability. I put today's date at the top because at some time in the future I'd like to think I will have made progress from this point and want to maintain a frame of reference.
I've refrained from expressing many of my thoughts because, frankly, I'm scared of them. I fear that by expressing them, I will legitimize them and allow them to become real entities that I can't brush off so lightly. I've been doing this for years. And recently, they've become more intrusive and more deprecating than I ever thought possible, and I'm afraid that if I don't confront them, I'll be entirely consumed and likely dysfunctional. A part of me believes that I should be following with a psychotherapist or at least talking to someone, but I don't have time for therapy and if my own thoughts scare me so much, I'm not sure anyone close to me will be able to receive them in any sort of helpful way.
Enough digression. I feel I've come to hate myself. It brings tears to my eyes as I write this down. Looking back, I can see a pattern that may have led to this kind of thinking in some sick way. And I do wholeheartedly believe that my current perception of myself is inaccurate, unhealthy and counterproductive. My parents and brother have been very strong components to this process, and I hate that because I love and admire them so much. The last thing I want to do is fault my strongest, most loving supporters for the way I feel about myself now. I don't by any means give them 100% credit for this. It's mostly been my own pathologic thinking distorting their words and accomplishments into insults directed at me.
I've felt inadequate in many ways for a long time. I think it started off as efforts for self-improvement. I used to visualize the kind of person I wanted to be, and tried very hard to accurately assess where I stood relative to that and made decisions on what I should do to reconcile the difference. Perhaps at some point, I couldn't reconcile that difference, and somewhere along the line I stopped believing in my ability to do so.
My dad SO proudly talks about everything he accomplished during his education, and I've seen Mom and Mithu do great things with themselves. I feel like I've done nothing. Like I just have this small existence and am this black hole that feeds off my family's successes. When I see my family I'm so proud of them and so happy for them, but I feel so very small. And I don't even know what I could do at this point to make myself feel otherwise.
It's like there are two sides of me that have entirely conflicting opinions. One side sees a beautiful woman with a winner's smile and nearly limitless potential. I like that side very much. However that's also the side that's making me cry almost continuously as I write because it's full of pity. The other side sees a smiling facade making a feeble attempt to mask a dumb, overweight, fluke of a medical student trying to get by on a fun personality. That side sucks. The scary part is, however, is that it has grown stronger. I think it started off as a small feeling that I could and should be doing better than I am, that I don't have any excuses for my shortcomings since my family has worked so hard and paid so much to make sure I have every resource I could ever want. Over time, that small feeling evolved into a bigger one, and at this point I find myself wondering if this might be part of the pathogenesis of schizophrenia? I don't want that at all. I don't want this negative side of me to grow a voice that exerts any type of real influence on me.
And yet there is a third side. This one wonders whether the feelings I have now are overly dramatized and exaggerated to mitigate any mistakes I make when taking Step 2. I have noticed myself to make excuses for my behavior. Taking responsibility for my failures never came easily, or even instinctively. At some point my reflex developed to make an excuse or rationalize why I fell short. Maybe this current episode is me making an excuse for myself and shouldn't be taken that seriously; I mean, I have work to do.
So in summary, I hate myself, I pity myself, and I don't take myself seriously. Now that I've written these things down, I don't feel closer to becoming a schizophrenic. I receive tons of positive feedback and input on every aspect of my life; I even provide it to myself on some level. I need to give that part of me a stronger voice. I also realize that I hate talking about all this because it makes me cry so much, and I hate crying. More than that I hate it when people see me cry.
Unlike before, I don't have a clear visualization of the person I want to be. I have a rough idea, but the details aren't panned out. I do realize, however, that in order for me to regain control over myself I need to start thinking more positively, and also need a way to block my own negative thoughts from intruding on my mind space. I sincerely believe that most of my inertia comes from that dark sucky side that doesn't think I'm going to make anything of myself anyway, so if I can eliminate - or at least mute - that part, I should be able to extract far more satisfaction out of my life. That inertia really is the only thing standing between me and the best version of me.
As a first step, I'm thinking to try meditation. I'm hoping it will be a good exercise to gain control over my mind. I'm convinced that that's where I need to get started, so let's see how this first step goes for me.
I've refrained from expressing many of my thoughts because, frankly, I'm scared of them. I fear that by expressing them, I will legitimize them and allow them to become real entities that I can't brush off so lightly. I've been doing this for years. And recently, they've become more intrusive and more deprecating than I ever thought possible, and I'm afraid that if I don't confront them, I'll be entirely consumed and likely dysfunctional. A part of me believes that I should be following with a psychotherapist or at least talking to someone, but I don't have time for therapy and if my own thoughts scare me so much, I'm not sure anyone close to me will be able to receive them in any sort of helpful way.
Enough digression. I feel I've come to hate myself. It brings tears to my eyes as I write this down. Looking back, I can see a pattern that may have led to this kind of thinking in some sick way. And I do wholeheartedly believe that my current perception of myself is inaccurate, unhealthy and counterproductive. My parents and brother have been very strong components to this process, and I hate that because I love and admire them so much. The last thing I want to do is fault my strongest, most loving supporters for the way I feel about myself now. I don't by any means give them 100% credit for this. It's mostly been my own pathologic thinking distorting their words and accomplishments into insults directed at me.
I've felt inadequate in many ways for a long time. I think it started off as efforts for self-improvement. I used to visualize the kind of person I wanted to be, and tried very hard to accurately assess where I stood relative to that and made decisions on what I should do to reconcile the difference. Perhaps at some point, I couldn't reconcile that difference, and somewhere along the line I stopped believing in my ability to do so.
My dad SO proudly talks about everything he accomplished during his education, and I've seen Mom and Mithu do great things with themselves. I feel like I've done nothing. Like I just have this small existence and am this black hole that feeds off my family's successes. When I see my family I'm so proud of them and so happy for them, but I feel so very small. And I don't even know what I could do at this point to make myself feel otherwise.
It's like there are two sides of me that have entirely conflicting opinions. One side sees a beautiful woman with a winner's smile and nearly limitless potential. I like that side very much. However that's also the side that's making me cry almost continuously as I write because it's full of pity. The other side sees a smiling facade making a feeble attempt to mask a dumb, overweight, fluke of a medical student trying to get by on a fun personality. That side sucks. The scary part is, however, is that it has grown stronger. I think it started off as a small feeling that I could and should be doing better than I am, that I don't have any excuses for my shortcomings since my family has worked so hard and paid so much to make sure I have every resource I could ever want. Over time, that small feeling evolved into a bigger one, and at this point I find myself wondering if this might be part of the pathogenesis of schizophrenia? I don't want that at all. I don't want this negative side of me to grow a voice that exerts any type of real influence on me.
And yet there is a third side. This one wonders whether the feelings I have now are overly dramatized and exaggerated to mitigate any mistakes I make when taking Step 2. I have noticed myself to make excuses for my behavior. Taking responsibility for my failures never came easily, or even instinctively. At some point my reflex developed to make an excuse or rationalize why I fell short. Maybe this current episode is me making an excuse for myself and shouldn't be taken that seriously; I mean, I have work to do.
So in summary, I hate myself, I pity myself, and I don't take myself seriously. Now that I've written these things down, I don't feel closer to becoming a schizophrenic. I receive tons of positive feedback and input on every aspect of my life; I even provide it to myself on some level. I need to give that part of me a stronger voice. I also realize that I hate talking about all this because it makes me cry so much, and I hate crying. More than that I hate it when people see me cry.
Unlike before, I don't have a clear visualization of the person I want to be. I have a rough idea, but the details aren't panned out. I do realize, however, that in order for me to regain control over myself I need to start thinking more positively, and also need a way to block my own negative thoughts from intruding on my mind space. I sincerely believe that most of my inertia comes from that dark sucky side that doesn't think I'm going to make anything of myself anyway, so if I can eliminate - or at least mute - that part, I should be able to extract far more satisfaction out of my life. That inertia really is the only thing standing between me and the best version of me.
As a first step, I'm thinking to try meditation. I'm hoping it will be a good exercise to gain control over my mind. I'm convinced that that's where I need to get started, so let's see how this first step goes for me.
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