The Beauty of Discontent

I voted for the first time today. Makes me feel very American... go figure.

My mom and I were watching TV the other day, and in the midst of the commercials for various weight loss products, hair products and makeup, my mom said, "Look at how bad they have to make people feel about themselves so that they can do business. It's terrible."

Instinctively, I responded that the companies are simply taking advantage of the American mentality: we can always do better. We can always achieve better. We can always be better. A corollary is that we are not good enough now. Spend enough time thinking about that, and it paints a pretty ugly picture. Inadequate. Unaccomplished. Overweight. Unattractive. Just not good enough as we are now. Leave it to the media, and the solutions lie in the amount of money you are willing to spend, and the chemicals you are willing to put into your body. On a larger scale, with all of the debates between presidential candidates, there is definitely a common thread in all of the issues they address. I think we've heard all of them say, "We need to fix this broken system" for just about every 'system' there is, from education to health care to immigration to whatever else. Why is everything broken in this country? We are the youngest, brightest, wealthiest country in the world. But our citizens are too fat and have better access to McDonald's than to the doctor who does their bypass surgeries. Every system is broken.

I went to the gym today after a long time. Specifically, I attended a yoga class for the first time. There was a range of people in there: the instructor was probably a couple of years younger than me, and I was seated diagonally behind a senior woman. There were even a few guys in the class. And definitely a range of body types. People were there for all different reasons, from all different lifestyles and walks of life, but they had one thing in common: they were working to make their lives better. Whether to increase flexibility and agility, get some meditative minutes in the day, or improve focus and control over breathing: each person was working towards a goal. This is where I saw the beauty of America.

No matter where you stand with respect to your goals and dreams, and no matter how large or small those dreams are, there are avenues for change available if you have the heart to take them. And people do. There is a profound dignity in that. To not only say, "Yes, I can be better," but also take action - however small - to achieve.

This year off gives me a lot of time to think. And make change. I have some ideas of what I want to do... let's see what happens.

Happy 2008

I have been back from India for almost two weeks now. It is good to be back. My trip, though rewarding, was also kind of terrible. My mom and I got sick while we were out there, and coming home to recover was definitely, definitely what we needed. Mom was in much worse shape than me, and thankfully she is better now. She had us worried for a bit.

Anyhow, so now I am basically sitting around waiting for interviews. I have gone to two so far, and have another one coming up later this week. Studying for these interviews is somewhat fun... reminds me of the stuff I spent so much time studying in college and grad school. Finding the best way to articulate why I want to be a doctor and looking up the opportunities and resources different institutions offer are re-igniting the excitement of medicine for me... losing sight of that has been easy in the midst of living at home and working on this India project, which has been entirely unrelated to medicine so far. Now, all I need to do is get in somewhere.

Living at home is starting to get easier. My parents are cool about me going out pretty much whenever I want, which is really nice. Dad and I definitely still have our moments. Here is the thing with that: before, not only was I not living at home, but Dad was not nearly as vocal of his opinions. He was pretty easy-going... he would go to work, come home, and basically just chill. My brother and I were talking about this, and we both agree that all of a sudden he just started saying more stuff... really came out of left field. So we are getting to know him all over again, and it's a trip, but hopefully a lot of good will come out of it. He kind of suddenly decided that he wants the role of authoritative man of the house, so it doesn't really occur to him to ask my opinion or for clarification for something I'm doing (sometimes it doesn't occur to him to let me finish a sentence)... but we are working on that.

So, each new year for the past couple of years, my resolution has been to become more patient. I think God heard that one a little too clearly: my patience was tried more and more as time went by. This year, I am making no such resolution. I think I'm plenty patient. Now, I think perseverance will be a good goal for me to achieve. I have a few things on my plate between the India project and med school apps/interviews, and persevering will really pay off in making sure both of those are successful.

Here's to a happy new year.

BHEN for All: Offical Launch January 3rd, New Delhi, India

So I am in India these days. I came here on a little bit of a whim. I have been working on a project for the last few months or so: a visual campaign in the form of posters displayed on commercial trucks and buses to promote gender equality and access to health care and education for females in India. A mouthful, I know, but read it again if you have to and it'll make sense. Anyway, so I partnered with All India Motor Transport Congress (AIMTC), the largest transport company in India (as in the largest number of vehicles; 4.5 million, to be exact), and they called me around mid-December saying they were ready to launch on January 3rd.

Before that date, we had a lot of things to set into motion: I had to finish poster designs, put pressure on my good ol' buddy Paul to finish the website, we had to get samples printed in the States to take to India for mass-printing (since it is so cheap, and decisions about dimensions and materials hadn't been finalized), and we had to meet with people to get the printing done before the 3rd. Thankfully, it all happened. We printed four sample posters and decided to use three of them after meeting with the company officials, and we printed 1,000 sets of three posters each for distribution. For now, they are in English, but they will be printed in other languages very soon. Every two to three years, AIMTC holds a convention in which the new president of the company is inaugurated and managers from all over India get together and discuss any issues they need to handle. The launch of this project was held during this convention; I gave a five or seven minute talk on the issues of female infanticide and sex-selective abortion, their implications, and what I was asking of the transport managers.

I have never in my life spoken to such an audience. I sat on a panel of middle-aged men who were chairmen and other important administrators of AIMTC, another keynote speaker, and the transport minister of India, Mr. T.R. Balu. Note, I was the only female on the panel, and the only individual below 35 years of age. My audience was about 200 men also, and a few of their wives sprinkled in the mix. An American-born Indian girl speaking before a 90% male crowd, sitting on a panel of men too. I thought I might feel awkward but I was actually quite comfortable. I spoke in English because, well, functionally that is all I can speak coherently. I tried to speak slowly, and honestly I am not sure how many people understood what I was saying, but by the response I received I know it was definitely more than I could have hoped for.

People were so enthusiastic to spread this message. Even before I spoke to the AIMTC managers, my uncle set up a talk with the local branch of the Lion's Club, a service-oriented society that actually originated in Chicago, which has dedicated this month to raising awareness about female infanticide and sex-selective abortion. It seems that many people here know about the issue and recognize that the deeper problem lies in the way Indians think, and not the acts which are the outcome of that thinking. That people are just waiting for an opportunity to get involved is such a relief, and has definitely made my trip a gratifying experience. I think the next 10 - 15 years will show great progress for India's society. It won't be enough time for all of the wrinkles to be ironed out, but it'll be something, and I am excited to see what the future holds.

Ugh.

I hate living at home. Every other person I run into asks, "So aren't you glad to be out of the terrible East Coast weather, and back home? Eh? Happy to be home???" No, you idiots, I'm not.

I learned that Dad has problems with the clothes I wear. I dress like a brazen hussie, I am cheapening myself by the way I choose to dress, and my presence irritates him when I wear "such clothing". I wear t-shirts. Like Hanes and Fruit of the Loom. I keep my party clothes in a gym bag in the trunk of my car because I know those will offend my parents, but t-shirts? Seriously? Ugh. As if it's not already ridiculous enough that I have a Masters degree and hide clothing in my car, apparently t-shirts are too risque for this home. Where's a burqa when I need one?

Dad told me the other day as I was going to dance practice that I am wasting my life. For the last month, I've been unpacking, working on secondaries, going to the gym, applying for jobs, helping my mom with her publishing company, and developing some volunteer opportunities. And yes, one day a week I go to dance practice. How wasteful of me; I mean really, I should just ditch all of those useless things, stand by his side and see what he needs every minute of every day. That'll be good use of my time.

Living here also makes me never want to get married. In all honesty, my mom's life sucks. Each weekday, she wakes up around 5:30, gets ready for work, leaves by 7:15, and stays there until 5:30 or 6. When she gets home, sometimes she has time for a half hour nap, then she starts making dinner. By the time dinner is done and everything's all cleaned up, it's usually about 9:30. Then she goes to her computer and works on either Khalsa School stuff, book orders, or grades some papers. This takes her to about midnight, when she goes to bed. The weekends lately have been even worse with getting Khalsa School stuff put together; somehow, she manages to accommodate everyone's requests in terms of matching teachers with students and students with other students. Not easy for a school with 80 volunteers and 500+ students, but she does it. In that time, she also does laundry, makes 2 - 3 meals for the day, and on Sundays she manages Khalsa School from about 1 pm - 5 pm. Now here's the part where being married sucks: my dad doesn't help her with any of that stuff. The way he sees it, he's like "Her choice to get involved, her problem." I think his exact words were, "She gets so stressed by these other little things, she can't handle her duties at home." I damn near flipped my shit when he said that. As if it's below him to help out a little bit here and there? The hell is that? God help the man who sits on his ass when I come home from a long shift at work and am too tired to cook. And I think Satan would take better care of him than I would if he dared talk to me about my "duties at home." I mean, I already know that between my job and the volunteer stuff I want to do, I will be very busy. On top of that, taking care of bratty kids (if they are anything like me, they will be), an unhelpful husband, and aging in-laws... I would just hate my life. If married middle-aged life is anything like what my parents have, I don't want it.

Until recently, I thought my dad was one of the more progressive Punjabi parents because of how much he's encouraged my education and supported my wanting to go to medical school. Living at home, however, from his forcing me to move back here to just seeing how he is at home and with my mom, definitely fostered some resentment for him. I feel bad feeling that way because he has given me everything I have and supported me fully, but I honestly can't help it.

Moving used to be the start of something new in my life. Either a new neighborhood, new school year, or a new city; this time I got nothing. It feels like two steps backwards. Home used to be a place where I could retire from the world and unwind. Here, I can't wear what I want, eat what or when I want, watch TV before midnight when everyone's asleep, and I can't do what I want without running my plans by someone or asking permission. I want to move out, and I really want one of the jobs in San Francisco I applied to to work out, but so far nothing has come through. I got a couple of local opportunities, but those won't help my situation. I am bitter that my dad forced me to move here especially because it's harder for me to find a job, and I really, more than ever, cannot wait to go to medical school.

Liberating.

That's the one word I will use to describe the year I've spent in Boston. Looking back, I think college allowed me to figure out what kind of person I want to be, and gave me the foundation and strength to discover what kind of person I am. When I left UC Davis, I was confident about my future and insecure about my present. It's scary, not knowing where you'll be, what you're capable of, what kind of people are your people, who you can trust, how vulnerable you can make yourself without being weak, and who will turn around and judge you and betray your trust. So I graduated college thinking: trust no one, don't expect anything from anybody, and do your best. You're all you've got.

Once I got out here, it took awhile for this new place to warm up to me. New people, new locals, a whole new feel, new school, new home, new everything. In fact, I think I took the entire first semester getting used to life out here before I thought about venturing out of my shell. Here's my perception of where I stand now: I am confident that I can do well in medical school. This wasn't the case before - I didn't really apply myself in college to the point where I focused on school and school alone; by the time I got serious I had a million other things to do. I came here, I did my best, and it paid off. I finished my coursework and my thesis in 11 months. I can't express how empowering that is. I mean I knew I was smart but this year was such a great stroke to my ego... haha, I am so into myself right now. Really, feel free to stop reading if you like; I won't be offended. However, a more significant discovery is my new-found comfort in vulnerability. I have been very, very fortunate with the people who surrounded me this year. They have been the most accepting, understanding, and non-judgmental people I have ever met in my life. Lately I've found myself sharing things with people I'm not incredibly close to that I usually wouldn't share with anyone at all, and I don't mind it. Hopefully my dear friends don't mind listening to me pour my heart out all the time... so far they have been great sports, and I appreciate that more than anything.

So, I still don't know where I will be. I always felt I was capable of anything, but now I really believe it. My people are honest, warm, in love with laughter, and generous with their affection. I still don't always know who I can trust or how vulnerable I can be without being weak, but there is only one way to find out. And in the end, I have learned to find strength in weakness. I am better about trusting my instincts and taking action based on them, and I believe that will serve me well in my future. I haven't learned to not have expectations. When it comes down to it, I am intense with the people who I allow to be close to me, and I build expectations for them. They should be straightforward and direct with me, and ready to drop everything in their lives for me in times of need as quickly as I would for them. They should accept my random humor and the occasions (which seem to be increasing in frequency) when I share way too much information, and always be happy to see me. Always. I don't think I will ever be able to change that, and I am positive that it will be the source of great emotional pain and disappointment for me throughout my life. But the rare few who can handle and fulfill my great expectations make it worth it.

If it isn't obvious enough, I am in a good place right now. My lonely spell hasn't ended yet; I miss the intimacy and comfort that relationships offer, but whatever. Things happen when and how they are meant to, and I don't see any reason why I should be left out there... so I will wait and see what happens. It's a process, learning how to live in the moment. Hasn't been easy figuring out how to do it, but I am trying, and that's what counts.

I am leaving Boston in nine days. I leave here thinking: trust whoever feels right, put as many expectations as desired, and always do my best. Sunshine always comes with shadows, so I just have to learn to find enjoyment in both. At the end of it, I am all that I've got, but whoever wants to join in for the ride, by all means hop on board. At the very least, I can promise you some great dining =).

American Airlines Strikes Again!!

I don’t know how they do it, but American Airlines manages to get worse and worse. If my flight isn’t cancelled, my luggage is lost. If my luggage isn’t lost, my flight is delayed and I’m stuck in the terminal. If I’m not stuck in the terminal, I’m stuck in the plane. That’s where I am now. Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot. Apparently the weather is bad in Chicago, which is where my flight to San Jose connects. Apparently… My flight was delayed by about one hour for no reason, and after we boarded, they told us it would be another 2 hours. Just classic. So now I'm sitting in the plane waiting for them to say that we can take off... Call me a priss, or a brat, or a princess (preferably), but I’m totally throwing a hissy fit next time Dad tries to save money on my fare. Direct flights only. If it’s too much money, either a) shoulda planned better or b) dammit, I’m worth it.

My entire voyage lasted 14 hours. I spent three hours at the airport in Toronto, from arrival to boarding, three and a half hours on the plane from Toronto to Chicago (it's a one hour flight), three hours at the Chicago airport, four hours on the plane to San Jose, and about half an hour waiting for my suitcase to come out of baggage claim. To think, if I had a direct flight, it could've been a 7 hour process... I am so going shopping with the money saved, I deserve it!

Kiss My Ass, American Airlines

I really hate this airline. And I’m no fan of Dad’s for making me fly on it this evening. Between flights delayed by no less than two hours, lost luggage, miserable food available for purchase, and the painful Jewel music playing in the terminal, American Airlines leaves much to be desired. I haven’t flown this airline for more than a year now, and I regret that I am on it once again. I mean really… 240 cities, 40 different countries, one airline, and one poor standard of service. If JetBlue can afford to be amazing, I don’t see why American can’t. I got here a little before 6 to catch a flight to Toronto scheduled at 8 PM. Then I found out my flight is delayed until 10 PM. The only thing that I am enjoying is this rocking chair situated facing the windows so I can see planes taking off. And these were no gift of American Airlines, they are courtesy of MassPort. (_|_) That’s for you, AA. Whenever you’re ready, the country’s been waiting.

So my flight didn't board until 10:30, and then we sat in the plane for another half hour. AND I got no water!!! American Airlines consistently keeps me at the airport longer than the airplane, regardless of the length of my flight. Fabulous. Just fabulous.

Blindness

I'm going to preface this post with a disclaimer: I'm on Sudafed and Nyquil and it's a little late...

I'm starting to realize how blind my culture is. I'm referring to Punjabi, or even generally Indian culture. Sure, these are huge generalizations, but for the most part I think they hold true.

We believe blindly. So many of us claim a religion without knowing much about it. I know so many Sikhs who appreciate the peace of mind that comes with listening to kirtan and Gurbani without knowing what it means, and who don't care to know what it means. So many people who have faith that some higher power will take care of them, regardless of the circumstances, who practice various rituals believing that the simple acts will yield some sort of benefit. I guess to an extent every faith must be blind, but I feel like Sikhs, as seekers of truth, would strengthen their faith in the discovery of that truth and meaning that we hold so dear. But many don't.

We listen blindly. Just look at all of the Indians in medical school. I am positive that a huge number of those are responding to parental pressure. Sure, there are some (like myself, tee hee) who genuinely want to be doctors... but let's face it, of you Indians reading, how many of you didn't have parents who said, "Beta, think about medical school. I think it's a good idea." And then think about how many Indian med students you know...

We hate blindly. Our people are great at hating by association, holding grudges for things in the past... I mean, I know people who still don't like Muslims because of what happened during the Mughal rule in India. Or other people who don't like Hindus because of 1984. It's ridiculous, I know, but it's quite prevalent. And of course there's the sister of that girl who dogged the cousin of a close friend of mine, so of course I don't like her (what??).

We love blindly. Maybe this is very bollywood of me, but I feel like Indians, when they are ready to love, are able to look past everything negative in the object of their affection. This is something I see particularly in Indian women: the extent to which mothers baby their children (well into adulthood), girlfriends smother their boyfriends, and what not. They're bred to nurture. The concept of arranged marriages also falls into this one. Two people meet a couple of times, decide they like each other enough and tie the knot. It just seems insane; all they know is that there's some attraction there, and both of them want to get married at some point in the near future... and that's all they need. Having grown up in America during this time, that concept is extremely foreign, but I have to admit that there's a certain beauty in its simplicity.

Our people, generally, are good at ignoring the voice of reason. In my case, that voice isn't completely silenced, but I definitely pretend I don't hear it now and then. Like now, for example, I have loads of work to do on my thesis and I'm wasting my time rambling on this post.

I think it's very interesting how cultures can be so very different, and still work. American culture, on the other hand, emphasizes knowing the whole truth before you make a commitment. You read the fine print before you sign, you drive the car before you buy it, you take up internships and talk to counselors before you decide on a career, you date and get involved in a relationship before you marry; commitment is the last thing to happen. And I think it's even more interesting to see how kids in my generation who live in both cultures reconcile the differences. I think I'm still trying to figure out my balance between the two... for the most part, I like to think that I lean towards American thinking and want to know exactly what's going on before I'm in too deep. But other times, there's an excitement in taking a leap of faith and just hoping things will work out. That seldom happens, and usually I fall flat on my face. But each time I don't get back up without picking something up while I'm down. And that makes it okay. I think it's okay to be blind as long as you see more clearly when you open your eyes.

One year...

So it's been about a year since I graduated from UC Davis. It feels like it's been a year. The time hasn't flown by, nor has it dragged on.

Moving across the country definitely changed a lot of things in my life.

- For the first time since 1999, my brother and I lived within 10 miles of each other. This is one of my favorite things. Before this year, he and I never really hung out as friends, and that definitely changed. Even though my brother and I are vastly different, we definitely bonded this year and I'm thankful for that.

- I learned what good sushi tastes like. And good food in general. I don't think I can ever go to a chain restaurant again.

- For the first time EVER, the vast majority of my friends are not Punjabi. In fact, I only have one Punjabi friend at school. And he's not even that Punjabi. It's great being around people who don't always run late and who don't say one thing and mean another. But I also miss having people to dance with, having people to talk to in Punjabi when I want to talk some smack about someone in the room, and just having that Punjabi/Sikh perspective on the things that happen here.

- I thought I lived at the library during my last year at Davis... oh boy, here it's like my tuition is my rent. Except I'm paying rent too. Seriously, I'm at that place way too much. I've made friends there, and we're just one big studying family.

- I've been dancing bhangra since 1991, and of course competed all through college. This was my first year out of the scene. I haven't been to a bhangra competition since Nachda Punjab 2006 (more than a year ago!). Right now, my main motivation to go back to California is so I can rejoin my bhangra team. I miss them dearly. Dancing was such a big part of my life, and all of a sudden, once I graduated from college it just disappeared. I've tried to compensate by watching their videos and learning the routine by myself... but it's not as much fun alone.

- I have nothing going on outside of school. No internships, no volunteer gigs, no dancing, no job. Nothing. Just school.

- I'm a graduate student... what??? I swear I'm an eight year old mentally... I really get the sense that I'm growing up. That sounds so lame.

All in all it's been a great experience. I'm contemplating staying out here this coming year while I apply to medical schools. Why, you ask? It's probably going to be the only year where I am both not in school AND single. I don't want to spend that living at home. Also, it would be the first time that I carry a full time job and pay for my own existence. That thought is exciting. And it also might be the last time that my brother and I live in the same city, since he's graduating from law school next year and I don't know where I will be. Anyway, I have about 10 days left in what's been the longest academic term of my life, and I can't wait for it to end. After that, I will consider my decision more seriously...

I think God reads my blog.

I really do. Since yesterday's post, it feels like things have taken a positive turn. I think part of it is verbalizing all my feelings and putting them on the table - translating emotions into words really helps me understand them, personally. But aside from that, I mentioned in yesterday's that praying hasn't offered any peace of mind. Today, it was like a breath of fresh air. Feels good to be on the way back... I hope it stays.

You know it's bad when the dungeon is your home...

Alright, so after writing this post I realize how whiny and "woe is me" it is, but realize that I typed it all out to straighten things out in my own mind. That said, if you're not in the mood to read my whining, don't.

I have no idea what’s going on in my mind these days. Alright, I have some idea, but denial is a lot more comforting than admitting it right now. Recently I’ve found myself insecure about how I come across to other people, unsure of myself during exams despite relentless studying, stressed and upset when I think about the future, and generally speaking a lot of negativity. I feel distracted, though I have nothing going on outside of school. I’ve been trying to pray to center my mind, but I can’t get focused on that either. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that as soon as I step off of this dungeonesque campus, I’m alone. I live in a neighborhood where being very social isn’t always very safe, and come home to a roommate who I neither like nor relate to. So what’s left? Maybe I’ll walk around the mall for a bit on my own. A couple of days a week I’ll go to the aerobics room at the gym and dance by myself. Or sit in my room and watch a movie, or some TV programs I recorded. Or talk to some friends online, maybe even the phone. Eventually grab a meal – either put something together from what’s at home or get take out from somewhere. I spend most of my day in an environment where talking too much is rude or there’s no time to talk, and then go to another where there’s no one to talk to. Let’s be honest, that’s kind of depressing.

What about my friends here? It’s like I’m everyone’s second choice – if not third or fourth – for company. People don’t seem to mind having me around, but my company is not quite necessary either. I’m expendable. This elicits two reactions: first, I appreciate the time I do have with the people whose company I enjoy. Second, I don’t want to go out of my way for people who spend time with me out of convenience. The latter of these two is egotistical and potentially destructive, I know, but otherwise I’d feel way too pathetic.

At the same time, I don’t know if I’m ready to really be at the top of someone’s list, in the sense of dating someone or otherwise becoming romantically involved. It’s really sad: I haven’t had an overall positive experience from anyone I’ve gone out with in college, or since then. No, this isn’t a huge number, but it’s enough to make a person think twice. It’s been the same theme throughout: I sought companionship, he sought sex (or other physical intimacy that I wasn’t ready for), he didn’t get what he wanted, therefore I didn’t get what I wanted. At the end, no one was happy and I felt betrayed. It really sucks, and I don’t want to put myself through that again. I just don’t.

So now I’m at a point where there is a line drawn that marks how close I can get to someone. Few people have crossed this line and stuck around, and I love them for it. I really want to erase this line, but I just don’t see how I can do that. I’ve fallen in love with consistency: once someone comes into my life it’s really difficult for me to let go, or let him or her come in and out at will. I never thought consistency was too much to ask, however, if all people were consistent in everything they do, we’d just be robots. I feel like a robot, and I am consistently alone. This isn’t what I wanted. Till now I’ve been thinking that good things come to those who wait, but honestly I’m sick of waiting and I’m growing impatient. I gotta get outta this; I'm long overdue for the good feelings in life.

I'm not that badass.

I’m not all that I make myself out to be. Yesterday, I came very close to what could have been a threatening situation, and the fact of the matter is that I wasn’t prepared for it. I was walking to the gym with one of my girl friends around 6:30 (it was still light outside), and some random man came behind us and asked my friend, “Excuse me, how much was that anklet you’re wearing?”

She nervously answered, “Uhh, about $5.” We continued walking.

But he didn’t stop talking. “Can I touch it?”

“No, I don’t want to take it off.” We continued walking. He mumbled something about her not having to take it off, and stayed behind us. At this point I was on medium alert. I paid attention to the distance between us and him, and kept the volume of our conversation low so that I could listen to what he was doing. As we passed part of the hospital, I asked my friend if she knew the indoor route to the gym (I knew it existed, but didn’t know what it was). She said she didn’t remember it, so we’d take it on the way back. I heard the man say on his cell phone that he was headed to his own place, and that gave me a temporary sense of relief. We crossed the street, he crossed the street right behind us. We turned the corner to go to the building, he turned the corner right behind us. High alert. I looked around, for that moment, the community was totally quiet. Usually a security guard sits at the entrance of the building with the gym in it, so I went in hoping to let security intervene and save the day. No security guard yesterday. At that entrance of the building, there are only two choices: elevator or stairwell. No offices or hallways of any kind. We opted for stairwell. As soon as we started up the stairs, he started grabbing at her ankles. Missing at first, but grabbing all the same. At one point he grasped her ankles, she was hitting him and I was trying to pull her away from him. My mind seriously blanked: the only thought I had was that she needed to be out of his reach, and it was already too late for that. Eventually she freed herself, we ran up the stairs and he gave up. We made it to the gym safely. Shocked and shaken, but safe.

Now, in retrospect, this situation was absolutely preventable:
When I first came to Boston, my roommate had already been in this neighborhood for awhile. As I was leaving to get a bite to eat one day, she saw the purse on my shoulder and said, “I would think twice about carrying that if I were you. The less attention you attract here, the better. Just put everything in your pockets.” I took her words seriously and to this day, when alone, I don’t carry a purse, and I keep my jewelry in my pockets until I either reach my destination or leave the ghetto. Thankfully I never found myself in a compromising situation. I should have noticed my friend’s jewelry and advised her similarly. However, I thought the buddy system made everything okay so I made nothing of it.

Second, I should have pushed harder to find the indoor route via the hospital. At that time it was too early for either of us to be convinced that he was following us, but better safe than sorry. A phrase ingrained into every American kid’s head from kindergarten, a phrase that my gut spoke at that time, and a phrase that I ignored. That was stupid of me. Plain stupid.

To top it all off, by the time I got to high alert I really had no clue what to do. The guy was way bigger than both of us; there was no way I’d be able to do anything more than piss him off. I didn’t know where to go, who to call, or what to do. I had no idea what to do. When I needed instinct to come through for me, it wasn’t adequate. Sure, it’s hard to maintain a sharp mind in an unfamiliar and threatening state, but that’s exactly why I shouldn’t have suppressed my gut feeling earlier.

I’m physically not made to fight. I’m sharp on my mind, not my fists. But a battle of wits wouldn’t fight off this guy in that stairwell. I’m kicking myself now for not listening to my instincts before it was too late, but I’m also extremely thankful that both of us were together at the time and that we both left the situation safely.

Thanks for the warning, Big Guy. This is a mistake I’m definitely not repeating.

Oh yea, readers, two things:
A) Don't be stupid like I was in this situation.
B) Don't for one second think that I'm scared to go outside. I'm not. I still believe that as long as people are cautious and travel intelligently, it's possible to live an absolutely safe life, even in Roxbury.

Epiphany

About two weeks ago, my second class started. Now I have almost 24 hours of class per week, and whatever additional study time I need.

Towards the end of January I set a goal that I would go to the gym regularly for one month: what I did at the gym and the amount of time I spent there were irrelevent; I just had to go. I set a schedule to go three times a week, and in the course of one month, I missed four days. Lame that I missed days, but I went often enough to establish a work out into my schedule, and now I feel gross if I don't go, so my goal was achieved.

Yesterday was an example of what I think will be a very typical day for me for the next three months. It was as follows:
6:30 AM - 7:00 AM: Cardio
7:00 - 8:00: Get ready, leave for school
8:05 - 8:20: Japji Sahib
8:20 - 11:00: Study Histo
11:00 - 12:00: Lunch
12:30 - 1:30: Physio Lecture
1:30 - 3:30: Prepare for physio lab
3:30 - 5:00: Physio lab
5:00 - 5:45: Break, Rehras Sahib
5:45 - 7:00: Study Physio
7:00 - 8:00: Dinner
8:00 - 10:00: Physio Study group
10:00: Go home and call it a night. Watched some TV, was in bed by 11:30 or something.

Today has been similar, though I have to admit that I'm a little tired. Hopefully my stamina will build; I really need it to. If I may, I'd like to point out that 14 hours on campus is a damn lot of school. DAMN lot. But here's the cool part:
This morning I was in the library reading before class, and I had an epiphany: I am exactly where I want to be. Granted, I'd love to be in medical school right now, but in order for that to be plausible, I would've had to be absolutely positive throughout college that medicine is what I want to do with my life, and that is not the case. Given that I took time in college to decide on a goal I really wanted, and otherwise got as much out of my undergraduate experience as I wanted to, I'm thrilled to be here. It feels good to work hard, learn about things I'm interested in, and be surrounded by people who are as driven and excited as I am. The only thing that could possibly make me feel better right now is for my grades to reflect my attitude. The demands of school are forcing me to become more disciplined, and I'm ready to embrace that. Anyway, I think it's apparent that I feel really good about where I'm at, and I just hope this good feeling lasts for awhile.

The News

So I read this article today (I've included it below), and it got me thinking. The article is about irresponsible advertising for Viagra as a recreational lifestyle enhancement drug, as opposed to treatment for erectile dysfunction. The argument is that Pfizer's advertising campaign has led to more high-risk behavior among men, resulting in increased spread of HIV and sexually transmitted diseases.

Now here's what really gets me: Viagra is a prescription drug. Shouldn't the doctors be held accountable for the drug's misuse as well? It seems like the people responsible for actually circulating the drug are entirely out of the picture. As a pre-med, I am not in favor of suing doctors, but this definitely makes me wonder about their role in contributing to the patient's best interest. It also makes me wonder how much of a bubble I really live in. Is this a patient-run market, where doctors just write the prescriptions on-demand and what will be will be? Or are they still in a position to promote health and healthy lifestyles? I would hope that doctors discourage misuse of these drugs when necessary, but I honestly can't say I know.

Oh yea, I also think it's funny that at the end of the article, they throw in that Cialis works for more time than Viagra. I wonder how much Eli Lilly & Co. and Icos paid them to do that.

http://money.cnn.com/2007/01/21/news/companies/viagra_lawsuit.reut/index.htm?cnn=yes

AIDS group to sue Pfizer over Viagra ads

Foundation wants No. 1 drugmaker barred from marketing Viagra as lifestyle drug to enhance sex life.

January 21 2007: 3:15 PM EST

WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- A major U.S. AIDS treatment group plans to file a lawsuit Monday that accuses drug giant Pfizer Inc. of illegally promoting recreational use of its blockbuster impotence pill Viagra.

The AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF) told Reuters it wants Pfizer (Charts) to be barred from marketing Viagra as a lifestyle or sexual enhancement drug. The nonprofit organization said Pfizer's actions had led to risky behavior by men and an increase in HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

"Pfizer has created and contributed to the perception of Viagra as a safe, sexy, lifestyle, recreational drug, to be frequently used regardless of the degree, or even existence of" erectile dysfunction, the group said in draft legal documents.

Pfizer, the world's largest drug maker, said it was committed to appropriate Viagra use and urged men to see a doctor for a proper diagnosis. The drug is sold by prescription.

AHF, in its legal arguments, pointed to several Viagra promotions from recent years, including a 2005 newspaper ad that featured a smiling man asking, "What are you doing on New Year's Eve?"

Another ad that ran near the 2006 Super Bowl urged men to "Be this Sunday's MVP" and ask their doctors about Viagra.

California-based AHF runs AIDS clinics in the United States, Africa, Latin America, the Caribbean and Asia that provide medical care and services to more than 53,000 people even if they cannot pay.

Pfizer's Viagra Web site asks readers, "Want to improve your sex life?" and says the drug can help men who have erection difficulties "once in a while."

AHF President Michael Weinstein said the promotions made Viagra sound like a "party drug" that can make sex more pleasurable for healthy men - a claim the Food and Drug Administration has not approved.

Men in the ads also look much younger than Pfizer's earlier Viagra pitchman, former Kansas Sen. Bob Dole, who is now 83, he said.

"Bob Dole has been replaced by the hunky 40-something guy who looks like he can really have a good time," Weinstein said in an interview. "The message they are sending out is that any and every male should take it," he added.

Studies show evidence of recreational Viagra use among men who have sex with men, sometimes to overcome the erection-inhibiting effects of alcohol or street drugs such as ecstasy and crystal methamphetamine, AHF said.

The group asked Pfizer repeatedly to alter its ads, Weinstein said.

In 2004, the FDA objected to a television commercial suggesting Viagra could return a man to the "wild thing" of his younger days. The FDA said the ad, showing a man sprouting devilish horns, made an unproven claim that men could regain a youthful level of sexual desire. Pfizer halted that campaign.

AHF's lawsuit, to be filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, asks that Pfizer be prohibited from running similar messages and ordered to fund awareness ads about sexually transmitted disease risks and Viagra.

The suit also requests that Pfizer turn over profits gained from misleading ads and pay AHF's costs of treating AIDS and other illnesses linked to Viagra use.

Pfizer spokeswoman Shreya Prudlo said the company was not aware of the planned lawsuit. She said Pfizer "has always been committed to safe and appropriate use of Viagra" and that the drug's label and promotions stated "Viagra does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV."

Sales of Viagra, known generically as sildenafil, reached $1.6 billion worldwide in 2005.

Sales growth has been crimped by competition from rival impotence medicine Cialis, which is sold by a joint venture of Eli Lilly & Co. (Charts) and Icos Corp. (Charts) Cialis works up to 36 hours, while Viagra works for about four hours.

And I'm back!

Since last time, here's what happened:

Following the worst day of my semester, I studied my ass off for finals and took those finals. They were alright - my grades weren't all that I wanted them to be, but I can work with them and still leave this program with a good GPA assuming I get the grades I want from here on out. Then I went home for break, which was fantastic. My cousin had his wedding reception at the end of December; planning a reception in a week's time is a damn lot of work. A lot of it was left to my mom, and she didn't want to be alone through the process so she chose to wait for me. I arrived home on the night of the 20th, and the reception was on the 30th. Extended family trickled in, and amidst planning the reception we managed to entertain and spend time with them too.

I also fell sick the day after I got home, and it turns out remnants of my illness are still with me now.

After the reception, I relaxed. I spent about a day in Davis, meeting up with old friends and professors. I got a bunch of stuff done for my thesis in terms of a topic and research to get me started, so that was great. Then I met a number of friends for lunch and what not, just to play catch up. And that was the extent of my time in California.

Last weekend I attended the Surat Sikh Conference for the first time, and it was a great experience. This was the first time in maybe four years that I attended anything like this on the East Coast, so I hoped that I would go there and be the "new girl" who no one really knew. Turns out, almost everyone knew me, and those who didn't know me heard of me before. It was still a great time though: the discussions were more stimulating than I anticipated, I thoroughly enjoyed the guest speakers, and it was definitely wonderful catching up with people I get to see very rarely. My brother came out to the conference as well, and these kinda things are really not his cup of tea so I was a bit anxious about how much he would enjoy himself. He seemed to have a fabulous time though, and though I would've loved to spend more time in California, this was a perfect way to end my break.

Now I am back in Boston. My courses this semester will be quite challenging; I'm taking a total of 18 units. From now until next month I have only one class, and then the other will begin. These two total 12 units, and they will continue to the end of May. At the end of May until the end of June, two more classes that comprise the remaining six units will take place, and that will be the end of the coursework for my Masters. It felt really good typing that out. Afterwards I will have my thesis, and then I can go home. Yay!

Anywho, I am back in action at the library on the second day of school, and am done with my study break now. Here I go!

Somebody's Messing Around...

So I think God is messing with me.

I'm gonna just come out and say it - it's been a miserable week since I got back from Thanksgiving. Home was wonderful, the visit was long-awaited, and I got to see some loved ones who I hadn't seen in a really long time. One of my dear friends got married, another one of my dear friends came over for a spontaneous visit, and my grandparents are in town and they're just plain fun.

When I came back, I had two papers due and finals less than 3 weeks away, so there really was no time for me to readjust back to being in Boston. I took a day anyway and got nothing done on Monday. Tuesday droned on as I did my first paper, which was due on Wednesday. Overall I've been working slowly and unproductively because I just can't get my focus to kick in for the home stretch. Anyway, by Thursday I felt particularly pathetic for my lack of focus and actually made a list of things to do to make my life not pathetic. The first on this list is Stop Bitching. I bitch a lot, it turns out, and I think I would benefit from some positivity. So after making my list (and checking it twice) I felt somewhat refreshed and excited to approach a nice, study-filled weekend spent doing my second paper due next week.

Then Friday happened. I woke up late, then I went to the bank because I had $5 to my name in my account. The bank is about 10 blocks away and it was pretty overcast outside, so I took my umbrella with me. I put it down to fill out a deposit slip, and someone stole it. I got robbed at the bank. On the way home, I got rained on... then my partner in crime here asked me to pick up some coffee for her as I got my own, so I got my stuff from home, did that (another 5 blocks out of my way, in the rain), and arrived at the library close to 11 am. My plan was to get there around 8. With only an hour left before class, I couldn't get myself to do very much so I worked lightly here and there.

Things started to turn up at that point - class went well and afterwards I came home and started to relax. Then I got this phone call from my boyfriend; he called to break up with me. Here's the thing about this break up: okay, well there are a couple of things. He and I were good friends for quite some time and by the time we decided to start seeing each other, we both thought it was a good idea. Then, through some differences in expectations or a lack of understanding each other, I just saw myself getting more and more frustrated as time went on and thinking that things were so much better when we were friends and nothing more. At the same time, I had a good feeling about him and was ready to at least try to work things out. We talked about this and on Thursday he told me that he'd like to put in more effort as well... and with minimal communication afterwards, he called and broke up with me. Of course he wants to be friends, and of course I do too, and this break up was definitely for the best, but it still sucks. There's such a mess of thoughts running through my head on why he fluctuated so much, and there's not really anything I can do about that except try to suppress it because he offered no explanation. Anyway, so I'm back on the market or something. FYI.

I didn't want this to get me down for the rest of the day, so I made some delicious hot chocolate, listened to some music, and started my laundry. My brother wanted to make some plans so I started getting that together too. Becuase of my late start with my laundry, I didn't get to his place until about 10:40 pm, and at that time a few people came over just to hang out. For the most part it was a pretty chill crowd and I had a good time, and I was happy that the week was ending on a positive note. Then some guy came to sit next to me, his rear-end brushed against my foot, and guess what: he farted on my foot. It was a lethal one too, and the guy didn't even apologize or acknowledge it! I'm like DUDE, you farted on me! I didn't say anything to him, but I made it a point to let everyone else in the room know what was up and rallied them on my side. That was pretty easy because it turned out that no one really liked him much anyway. Sucka.

I'm still in Cambridge, I've decided to stay here for the weekend and get out of the gloomy BU Med library. I forgot my deodorant and face lotion in the South End though. I bought more this morning, but my brother wouldn't let me stop to apply them because he's always in such a rush, so I felt like ass pretty much since the time I showered till I got to the library (in the meantime, we walked about 3/4 mile to get breakfast, buy my things, and get to the library). I got some coffee, which tastes good, but like half of it spilled on my jacket (an off-white color) because the cup was too full and I was walking too fast to drink it at that time, thanks to my brother.

Now I am in the Harvard Law School library, and it's a very pleasant place. I needed to get all of this out of my system, and now I'm going to work on my second paper, due on Tuesday. Here I go, really, with the no bitching this time. Sigh.

Almost

Today I feel particularly restless. I don't know why, it could be that I haven't had my coffee, I might have gas, or it might be something entirely different. I have that sort of everywhere-yet-nowhere mentality and in a way it feels reckless... right now my life is almost good. Let me expand:

I have almost reached my goals with school, but I am still just short of reaching them.

My new friends are almost very close, but they are still just short of the kind of intimacy that close friends share.

The semester is almost over, but it is definitely not done yet.

I am almost happy with my physical condition, however I am still not happy with it.

It is almost time for me to go home for the first time since coming to Boston, but it is not time yet.

It's like there are so many places that need catching up, I don't know where to start, what to prioritize, and most importantly I don't know what to do.

I've been trying to incorporate prayer into my daily schedule as a means of retaining perspective and some element of inner peace, though so far I've been failing miserably. I mean, I pray every day but here I am, restless as ever and totally unaware of the big picture right now. Maybe I should start writing in a journal again. I'd been feeling for a long time that I should update my blog, but given its public nature I haven't really been able to figure out what I would write that wouldn't disclose too many of my thoughts for comfort. It might be nice to have some outlet of expression that is mine and just for me. I've also had a somewhat artistic inclination recently - I want to do something artsy but I don't know what. The most feasible option is a sketch, but what the hell am I supposed to sketch? I guess the inspiration will come to me at some point. I'm impatient, I want this restlessness to be over. Ugh.

Amazing.

You know what's cool?

This is from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet:

Shall the day of parting be the day gathering?

And shall it be said that my eve was in truth my dawn?

And what shall I give unto him who has left his plough in midfurrow, or to him who has stopped the wheel of his winepress?

Shall my heart become a tree heavy-laden with fruit that I may gather and give unto them?

And shall my desires flow like a fountain that I may fill their cups?

Am I a harp that the hand of the mighty may touch me, or a flute that his breath may pass through me?

A seeker of silences am I, and what treasure have I found in silences that I may dispense with confidence?

If this is my day of harvest, in what fields have I sowed the seed, and in what unremembered seasons?

If this indeed be the hour in which I lift my lantern, it is not my flame that shall burn therein.

Empty and dark shall I raise my lantern, and the guardian of the night shall fill it with oil and he shall light it also.

You know what's even cooler?
All of that was summed up in one line in Anand Sahib:

Eh sareera mereya, iss jag meh aaye kai, kya tudh karam kamaaya?

Amazing. Just amazing.

33!

August 2: Practice test : Unfinished
August 4: Practice test : Unfinished (8P)
August 6: Practice test : Cancelled
August 7: Practice test : Cancelled
August 8: Practice test : Unfinished (10P, 9V)
August 9: Practice test : 34: 12P, 11V, 11B wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee
August 10: Practice test : 32: 11P, 11V, 10B
August 11: Practice test : Cancelled
August 12: Practice test : Unscored, used for practice problems
August 13: Practice test : 36: 13P, 10V, 13B
August 14: Practice test : Cancelled, writing sample review
August 15: Practice test : Cancelled, writing sample review
August 16: Practice test : 30: 11P, 9V, 10B... totally lame.

August 19: MCAT: 33: 10P, 11V, 12B YAYYYY

Sigh...

There are two favorite parts in my day:
1. Lunch with my friends after biochem class in the cafeteria, because it's full of laughter.
2. Taking my socks off when I get home, because it's the most relieving thing ever. EVER.

I'm not really homesick anymore. I mean, I would love to go home, but I don't sit around getting depressed about it anymore, which is nice. I think the large part of my adjustment in Boston is over: I finally rearranged my furniture to my satisfaction, I have solid eating buddies, my roommate and I have become closer, and I'm learning to keep myself busy with only school on my plate. If you recall from my undergraduate blog, for awhile (when I was carrying two internships, the bhangra team and a few classes) I had quite a schedule to work with. Here's an example of what I'm doing with my time now - the following is my schedule for a typical Wednesday:

8:00 am - 11:00 am: Study
11 am - 11:30 am: Lunch
11:30 - 2:00 pm: Biochemistry (class)
2:30 ~ 4:00 pm: Biostatistics (class)
4:00 - 5:00 pm: Relax, have a snack (yes, that's written down)
5:00 - 8:00 pm: Study
8:00 - 10:00 pm: Dinner
10:00 - 12:00 am: Study

On other days, after class I fit in an hour and a half of gym time, and two days per week I plan to read from the New England Journal of Medicine, just to keep informed. My goal for maintaining a schedule like this is to have eight hours of studying per day, for a total of 40 hours per week (I will make up for hours I slack off with over the weekend), and four days per week I go to the gym. The schedule pretty much keeps me from 8 am to 12 am each day, and between 12 am and 8 am I need to sleep, shower and have breakfast. Maybe some ice cream too.

I drink coffee now. OK, so I've had two cups in the past week and a half, but it's a budding habit. I was really nervous to get started with this, and kind of got into it from peer pressure. The initial experience made me feel like I was being pressured into drinking. "Everyone does it! The first couple are pretty bad, but afterwards you're like 'Man this is the best!' Add some stuff to it and it'll taste good, promise!" My biggest objection to starting the habit was risking my teeth getting yellow, but only one cup a day shouldn't do much harm, and the occasional Crest Whitestrip Whitening program should keep my teeth white. There is a Dunkin' Donuts not too far from where I live, and a Punjabi couple works there. The first time I went, the woman didn't charge me for my hot chocolate (this was pre-coffee drinking). I went this morning, and her husband gave me an extra cup of coffee, on the house. I really had nothing to do with an extra cup of coffee, so I gave it to the security guard on campus. It's nice having a hook up though; I think that will foster my coffee-drinking habit.

I had my first midterm last week, and it TOTALLY kicked my ass. No joke, I haven't performed this poorly on an exam since I took organic chemistry, and I didn't even care about that class. I started studying this crap like a month in advance, and it amounted to nothing. I met with my professor this morning so I could find out what I was doing wrong. She assured me that for this section, what I've been doing is exactly on target, but I still don't feel convinced. I guess we'll see what happens.

Anyway, the people in my class are complete freaks and in order to get a seat, I need to arrive 30 minutes early. Which means I have to go now. Sigh...